Fidelity
by ilovemclife
Summary: Complete. Post prom, Derek has gone missing from Meredith's life, and no one knows how to fix what he broke. Derek's disappearance is a mystery that is soon revealed in a whirl-wind chase across the country, a few secrets, and endless surprises.
1. Broken

This is my fic, Fidelity, based on the song by Regina Spektor. I've already written a lot on another site, so updates should be frequent at least for a while. Please review, it will give me more reason to continue and update sooner.Without further ado...

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, or any of the characters or plots associated with it besides the ones I have created here. I am not affiliated with Regina Spektor.

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"I never loved nobody fully  
Always one foot on the ground  
And by protecting my heart truly  
I got lost in the sounds  
I hear in my mind all these voices  
I hear in my mind all these words  
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart x4

And suppose I never met you  
Suppose we never fell in love  
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft  
Suppose I never ever saw you  
Suppose we never ever called  
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall  
Just to break my fall  
Just to break my fall  
Break my fall  
Break my fall" - Regina Spektor

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Christina Yang absolutely hated to admit someone was right. Especially when it meant that she was wrong. That's why she had done the whole silent thing with Burke. She didn't want to say he was right – not to mention that fact that usually, she felt that she was right. Most of the time it remained that way. But this time she knew she had been wrong.

Burke had warned her after the Prom for the chief's niece that it would happen. He could tell, through what Derek told him, and from what Christina told him about Meredith, that they really did love each other. That they were it. They were the only ones the other could love for their whole life. They had found the love of the lives. Meredith and Derek were meant to be. For some reason, Christina wasn't too hasty to see things the same way. She agreed that she would keep an eye on them, try and keep them functioning. She had mostly done it to get Burke to zip it. She really did watch. But she didn't do anything to stop the inevitable disaster.

They all knew, of course, that Addison would find out one day. Whether it would be from Derek or through some other way, they could not determine. Meredith and Derek tried to stay normal around each other, to ignore their feelings. But one day, Derek couldn't. He told Addison he was leaving her, and he wanted a divorce. She signed the papers without question. It went rather smoothly. Their divorce was occurring civilly between the two. No arguing or backstabbing. It seemed that everything would be okay. It might work out, and the couple almost everyone had been rooting for could live happily ever after, together.

Derek went to go see Meredith. He was overjoyed. The papers were signed and in the hands of two very official, top-of-the-class lawyers. It would finally be over between him and Addison. Derek and Meredith could be together again. He told Burke he was going to see her. He had actually been encouraged to do so. In turn, Burke told Christina, who made sure Meredith was where she was supposed to be and when. But, three hours after he was expected, there was still no Derek. Four hours, five hours. No Derek. Finally Christina, Izzie and George gave up, letting Meredith retreat to her bedroom to wallow. After all, she had every reason to wallow. She still didn't know about the divorce. And no one was going to tell her unless it was Addison or Derek themselves.

A week later, Christina sat on Meredith's couch, waiting for her to get out of the shower. She had been wallowing in self-pity and depression all week, refusing to get out of bed unless she was going to work. Two out of the six days she called in sick and lie in bed all day, wallowing more. She saw Addison, and it seemed that nothing had changed. Except one very important thing. Derek was missing. No one had seen him since he said goodbye to Burke at the bar. He called the chief the next day and told him he'd be gone for a while. He didn't say why or where he was. He didn't answer the numerous phone calls or pages they sent to him, all from various people. He was just disappeared. He was gone.

So when Meredith called in sick those days, and lied wallowing in bed, Christina knew she had been wrong. She hated to admit it. She never liked being wrong. But Burke was right. It had taken Meredith being a complete wreck and Derek going missing for her to realize it, but she did in fact realize it. Meredith and Derek were it for each other. They were the love of each others' lives. Except now that Christina had realized it, it was too late. Derek was already gone, and Meredith was already broken.

The same question was on everyone's mind: _what now? _

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Meredith had finally been convinced to get out of bed. She took a shower and went downstairs to meet Christina. She paused on the steps when she heard voices coming from the kitchen.

Christina: What the hell are we going to do?

…. She was met by silence.

Christina again: we can't do nothing. I mean, she's completely lost it. I thought she was out of it after prom, and now that he's gone, it's so much worse. I don't know about you guys, but seriously. I can't take it anymore.

Izzie: We're just being supportive.

Christina: Yeah well, we see how that's been working. She called in sick twice this week. Twice. You cannot tell me that the Meredith you know would call in sick to work unless she was seriously messed up. I mean, she's missing surgeries!

George: um…

Izzie: We know she's messed up. She's dark and twisty Meredith. We're just trying to help dark and twisty Meredith.

Christina: By being supportive of her being dark and twisty?

George: Exactly. Wait, that's not right…

Christina: see my point. It's time for intervention. I need my person back.

Meredith just sighed and sat down on the steps. She knew she wasn't acting like herself lately. But honestly, she wasn't herself. Without Derek there with her, even if he wasn't hers, she felt like she was missing something. Like she didn't have a leg, or an arm. She felt crippled without him there. And worse than that, whenever she went to the hospital, or passed the ferry docks, or saw or smelled anything that reminded her of him, she would lose it. She wouldn't be able to breathe, like her lungs were crushing underneath the pressure. It wasn't just her rib cage pressing in on her, but also the utter loneliness of it all.

She knew her friends were worried. She knew that she shouldn't be acting like this. He was married, after all, and she was his dirty mistress. She should feel guilty, not lonely. None of them understood. None of them, except Izzie, had faced the loss of a love. They didn't get it. They couldn't feel the pain. And as for Izzie herself, she refused to think of Meredith's situation as a loss. No one had died. Besides, he wasn't hers to lose.

So for now, Meredith had to grieve alone. She had to do anything she could do cope. And sometimes that meant calling in sick to work so she could escape all of the things that reminded her of Derek. Meredith walked back up the stairs, deciding she wasn't ready to go down and face them just yet. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, sliding down against it. She couldn't help but think right then that without him, she wouldn't be able to come back from the hurt and the pain. That she would never recover. That she would never be able to mend her broken heart.

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	2. Mistakes

I've just finished this fic on another site, so I decided that in celebration of it, I would post another chapter here. One the other side the updates are short, but on this site I like them long. Also, I don't want stories to have 34 chapters (which this one did)! To give you an idea how long this will be, right now I've posted up to chapter 7. The chapters do get longer as they go - the last one is longer than all of the ones in this update put together:) enjoy

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Derek Shepard ran hand through his gorgeous hair, something he only did when he was frustrated. This was definitely a frustrated moment. He sat in the kitchen at the table, nursing a cup of steaming coffee, glad to be alone for one since he had arrived. When he had first gotten there, it had been chaos. His mother was sobbing uncontrollably and refused to leave her room. Nancy had her usual bitter comments flying at him faster than lightening. And Kathleen and Sandra had been out of it, walking around and functioning, but he could tell they were on autopilot. They were empty on the inside, trying hard to digest the piece of news they had received. Maegan had been the only one making arrangements, and she was in desperate need of help. She was the baby of the family, after all. She couldn't do this all by herself.

Derek knew that it would be coming one day, but he didn't expect it to happen so soon. Or to happen that day. As he sat in silence in the dark, deserted kitchen, he remember back to a week ago when he had received the call.

_Derek was so excited. He had just left the attorney's office, having signed the divorce papers that Addison had already approved, and having the divorce on its way to being finalized. He felt a huge burden lifted from his shoulders. He wasn't married anymore. Meredith couldn't be with him because he was married. But he wasn't married anymore._

_He walked straight into the Emerald City Bar, hoping she would be there. He even brought his briefcase with him, which held a copy of the divorce papers, so he could show her. He wanted her to know how much she meant to him. This was the only way he could be sure she understood, could be sure she knew. _

"Derek?"

He looked up from the kitchen table to find Maegan standing meekly in the doorway. He nodded to the chair next to him, and he poured her a cup of coffee with one cream no sugar, just as she liked it. He sat back down beside her, and she buried her head into the crook between his left shoulder and neck. He pulled his baby sister to him, as she began sobbing in his arms.

Derek was sitting there, shocked. Maegan never cried. At age nine, she had broken her arm in three places when she and Derek were racing their bicycles down the street and had barely whimpered. She didn't cry when Derek moved out to go to college, or left to medical school, or when he moved to Seattle. She didn't cry when they found out about their father's condition. She was strong. But she was crying now.

Derek couldn't take it anymore, and he began to cry with his most precious little sister.

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Derek had been in New York for a week now, and had barely made any progress. All he had done was manage to send his mother in hysterics when he said his father's name and turn his three oldest sisters against him. Everyone as upset, and Derek had been hoping they could make the important decisions together, but if he waited for the family to come together it could take months. And he couldn't spend months away from Seattle and everything there. He couldn't spend even a month away from Meredith.

Meredith! He had been thinking about how much he missed her and how he wanted to tell her about the divorce, but he had forgotten how his disappearance would affect her. Would Addison not have waited for him and told the whole hospital? Did Meredith know about the divorce? Was she waiting for him to come back to her?

Oh, God, Derek thought, what if she thinks I left to get away from her? What if she doesn't think I want to be with her? Has she moved on? Did she take Finn back even though she told me herself he wasn't right for her?

Derek got up and went to the living room where the rest of his family sat. They looked up as the swinging door to the kitchen swung back and forth on its hinges. Their usually blank and forlorn faces held confusion and puzzlement. Derek had been calm and focused since he had arrived. Would he finally lose his cool?

But Derek just paced back and forth in front of them, running a hand through his gorgeous dark curls. He sighed loudly and continued his anxious pacing. "I forgot about her," he stated bluntly.

"Who?" Maegan asked. He had told them all about Addison and the divorce when he arrived, so they knew there was another "her."

Derek just ignored the question, almost like he didn't hear it. It was possible, he seemed off in his own world, feeling guilty. "I just booked a flight and left, and I haven't said anything to her. Addison's probably told the whole hospital about the divorce, and that's okay, but I wanted to tell HER. Just her. Addison can tell the rest of the world. She probably hates me now. She most likely thinks I just got a divorce and took off. For all she knows, I did. I'm on an indefinite leave of absence for Christ's sake!"

"Derek." He stopped his nervous and panicked rampant to look at the women of his family, all of them staring at him like he was crazy. It probably seemed like he was crazy. If he lost Meredith, then he would be crazy for sure. And Derek was almost certain he had lost Meredith because of a silly mistake.

Kathleen, the one who had spoken, picked up the cordless phone on the table beside her and tossed it to him. He caught it in one hand, without even looking. He glanced down, and he knew what he should do. But was it that simple?

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Derek walked out of the living room and back out into the kitchen, hopefully to get a little more privacy. An open conversation like that wouldn't be good for his nerves. He was already panicked enough. He sat down in a chair, staring at the keypad. Would this really work? Well, he wouldn't know until he tried.

He dialed the familiar number and listened to it ring seven times before it went to the answering machine. Meredith's voice, lulling and beautiful, calmed him instantly, even though it wasn't really her he was listening to. He waited impatiently for the beep, but then he didn't know what to say. How do you say "I've divorced my wife so you don't have to be the dirty mistress anymore" and not have it come out the wrong way? Especially on a voice mail message?

"Meredith," Derek breathed, "It's me. I know I left suddenly. I know I should have called. I know I didn't do what I should have. I wanted to say… but all I can say now is… I love you. I've loved you… for… ever. It's just… you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong. I hope you don't choose wrong. I hope you choose me. Call me back and let me explain. Bye."

With that he hung up, hoping she would call back. He put his head in his hands and fought to keep the tears back. He couldn't live without Meredith. He couldn't. It was just impossible. This last week apart had been hard enough, and there was no way he could survive a lifetime in the same manner.

He sat there, on the verge of tears, whispering to himself. "What did I do? What did I do? Oh, God, what did I do?"

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Izzie had just put Meredith to bed after an almost normal night out at Joe's when she saw the flashing light of the answering machine. Christina, Izzie, and George had successfully dragged her off to the Emerald City Bar where they all managed to get wasted during quarters. Izzie, George, and Meredith took a cab home while Burke was called to pick up Christina. Oddly enough, he found her level of intoxication intensely amusing. Izzie had thought she'd heard Meredith laugh a few times. Maybe. So when the night was through, Izzie considered the night's mission accomplished.

She pressed play on the answering machine, nearly jumping when she heard Derek Shepard's voice emitting from it. The message didn't play passed, "Meredith… It's me. I know I left suddenly -," before Izzie pressed a button. The machine beeped and an automatic voice said "message erased" as Izzie hurried to get ready fro bed herself.

Her friend was JUST showing signs of getting better. She didn't need Derek messing everything up again. He'd been given one chance, maybe even what could be considered a second one, and he didn't deserve another. But boy, was Izzie wrong; Meredith needed Derek as much as he needed her.

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Derek had waited all night long, waiting for a phone call back. Maybe she was working on call or had the night shift. Hopeful, he called the hospital to discover that Meredith and the rest of Bailey's interns had the night off. He called her house twice more, not bothering to leave another message. He figured one was more than enough. He just wanted to hear Meredith's sweet voice, to know that she was alright, and to know that they were alright. He hoped he wasn't too late.

He went to bed and ended up tossing and turning, imagining her wallowing sadly around her house, eating cold pizza as a midnight snack. Or worse, he could see her dragging home a one-night-stand after too many shots of tequila. Someone whose name she didn't even know or remember. HE felt sick at the thought of another man in bed with his Meredith. Even worse, he imagined the morning after, when she wouldn't bother to use her infamous shower line. Why should she? It wasn't like she was in a relationship. As far as she knew, Derek was still married. He could see the guy staying for breakfast at the table with Izzie and George, eating Derek's left-over muesli. In the time he'd been gone, Meredith could have a new boyfriend. But she didn't have a boyfriend.

Did she?  
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	3. Old Lovers, New Discoveries

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy... sigh

I've had an extremely busy week, so I couldn't update sooner. But I do have parts 8 -11 for you! Less and less chapters will appear in each section as they get longer. A lot of this part is Derek backtracking and setting things into place, and hopefully the next time I update (soon) the confusion will be cleared and the real action will start! Without further ado, enjoy!

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By sunrise Derek had had enough, and he decided to call the only person he could think of. They picked up after three rings…

"Addison?"

Addison had been sleeping wrapped up in the arms of her new boyfriend, hoping to stay there for another hour before she had to face the long day of work ahead of her, when her cell phone rang. She reached over across Mark's bare chest to grab it from the night stand and answered it, trying to escape from the fog of sleep.

"Addison Montgomery." Her name sounded different without the 'shepard' at the end, but she liked it. It was different in a good way.

"Addison?" Derek asked.

"What's going on? Where are you? You do know that everyone is worried sick about you, right? And that the hospital is running haywire without its head of neuro?"

An inquisitive, and very naked, Mark tapped Addison on the shoulder and she mouthed "Derek" to him, as if it explained everything, including the hour so late it was early and the strict, over-protective tone. Well, who was she kidding? It did explain everything.

"Addison, I'm sorry I haven't called or anything - !"

She interrupted before he could go any further, "Derek, where the hell are you and why?"

Derek sighed heavily and Addison waited for a response. Finally he said, "In New York. Planning my father's funeral." There. He'd said it. Ripped off the band-aid. No anesthesia. And saying it out loud hurt him more than he'd expected.

"Oh, Derek…!" She didn't know what else to say. They divorced, he disappeared, and now she was yelling at him at five in the morning. Only to discover that his father's death was the reason for his vanishing act. She decided on telling the truth, "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry." Addison herself had never been close to Derek's parents, though she was close to his sisters, but she knew Derek loved them more than anything. And his father's diagnosis a few years back had nearly killed Derek. It might not have killed him, but it sure did rip his heart out.

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Just then, Mark walked back into the room, now with a robe one, carrying what looked like two mugs of hot coffee. Black, just the way she liked it. It was sharp and to the point, just like she was. And that behavior wasn't going to end know. This discussion wouldn't end until she got every little detail out of him.

"I know," Derek sighed, his voice laden with unshed tears. Addison was the only person he could cry in front of. Except for – just the thought made a sob shudder through his body. Addison couldn't see him, but she knew he was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his right hand, trying to ease the incurable headache that he had gained over two weeks ago. He finally decided to get to the point. "I just… how's Meredith?"

"WHAT?" Addison screamed. Mark gave her a look which made her quiet down. They didn't want hotel management coming up this early; then they'd be in trouble. "You haven't talked to her?" She sounded shocked. Well, she was shocked. He'd gotten divorced for her, and now he was leaving her out in the dark.

"No." Derek wanted to say he had, but a voice mail message was a one-sided conversation. "Not even about the divorce. Not about anything… I screwed up Addison. So bad."

"Oh, Derek." This time her voice wasn't sympathetic, but pitying and scolding at the same time. She couldn't believe him. He got too wrapped up in his emotions, and with doing the right thing, that he forgot to deal with things, important things. Many of these things revolved around his love life, which, now, was Meredith.

"What did he do now?" Derek heard Mark's voice in the background.

Addison and Derek had been divorced for a little over two weeks, and Addison was with Mark again. Even when they were married, Addison had liked, maybe even loved, Mark. Last time, Mark was the one who ended their marriage (not that that's a bad thing, entirely). At least he had waited until Addison was in the clear this time around. Last time Derek had just walked away. But this time, when he was so in love with Meredith, and when Derek remembered how him and Mark used to be such good friends, he reacted differently.

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"Was that Mark?" his voice was unreadable.

Addison hesitated, but decided to stick with the truth. "Yes."

"Can I talk to him, please? I need to ask him something." Something about his monotone made her listen to him. He didn't have to ask twice.

Addison handed the phone over to the man in her bed, who was sipping his own coffee and watching the early morning news. He raised his eyebrows when he realized he was supposed to talk into it, but he didn't object to it. When he answered the phone, he decided to stay Mark and start out with a joke. "Derek, what did you do that could win you the Olympic gold medal in Stupidity?"

Derek would have laughed harder if it were under any other circumstances. Good old Mark could almost always make him laugh until he cried, but now he only let out a soft chuckle. Derek got straight to the point. He was done beating around the bush. "I left without a goodbye."

"I know that." Mark answered in his I'm-a-God voice. "And I know that while you may always feel a connection to this lovely neo-natal surgeon over her, you are no longer married to her. Don't feel too bad. Don't let Addie beat you up." Addison gave him a "I wasn't!" look, and he smiled back his McSteamy smile at her.

"It's not Addison I'm talking about." Derek rand a hand through his hair, again.

This caught Mark's attention. "Man! It's that intern, isn't it? Meredith, was it? She was some lady." He whistled, and Addison smacked him upside the head, making him utter an "ouch!"

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This caught Mark's attention. "Man! It's that intern, isn't it? Meredith, was it? She was some lady." He whistled, and Addison smacked him upside the head, making him utter an "ouch!"

"Yes, Meredith." His voice sounded wistful. If he could hear it of himself, then he tried to imagine what Mark heard. Maybe to Mark he sounded depressed and border-line neurotic.

"Man, why'd you leave? After you punched me like that, I was sure you'd never let her out of your sight again. What changed?"

Derek sighed again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "My father died."

"Seriously?!" Mark sounded upset, disbelieving. His voice screeched on the last syllable, raising a whole octave. Well, he practically grew up with the Shepards. It was his right to be upset. "Daddy Davie is… gone?" Now his voice was a whisper, horse, and more grave than Derek had ever heard it.

Mark had used the old nickname that Derek and Mark had given Derek's father in middle school. It started out mocking him, because he was Derek's "daddy." But soon it became an endearing nickname. The stopped calling him that when they left for college and med school, but only because they rarely saw him anymore. Derek thought Mark would have forgotten such a trivial part of their shared past. Bust he hadn't.

"Yeah," Derek croaked, his voice suddenly dry. "Daddy Davie is gone."

They were both in a sad, reminiscent silence until Derek suddenly remembered why he had called. "Listen, I need to talk to you about Meredith." He paused, almost as if for dramatic affect. "How is she?"

"How should I know?" Mark sounded uncomfortable as he side-stepped the question.

"Come on, Mark. You can't bluff, I always beat you in poker. I know you couldn't have been in Seattle for a day without going to Seattle Grace. In fact, I'm willing to bet you are already asking Richard for a position there. So I know you've seen Meredith, at least in passing. Now tell me." Derek was never really stern or demanding outside of his career, especially with Mark, but his wasn't a topic he could joke about. Meredith wasn't something he was willing to joke about.

Mark took a second to consider the question. Derek had been right. He'd already scheduled an appointment for the following morning to talk about a contract at SGH. He had been to the hospital, several times. He'd gone not only to talk to the chief but to have lunch with Addie. And he had seen Meredith… "Honestly, Derek… It's not good."

Derek closed his eyes; this had been exactly what he'd feared. "Not good for Meredith, or not good for us?"

"Both." Derek waited for his childhood friend, whom, until a year ago, he had considered his brother, to continue. "She's taking days off work and I've heard the other interns say that when she is home or has a day off, all she does is lie in bed all day. When she does show up at work, she is not herself. I mean, there are certain levels of Meredith's depression. Normal, over-pressuring, bar worthy, and self-destructive. I think she's at the self-destructive faze, Derek.

"She looks sick, with dark circles under her eyes. She doesn't say much to anyone, not even her Chinese friend – "

"She's Korean." Derek interrupted glumly. He didn't even know why. Maybe because it broke his heart to hear such things about his Meredith. Maybe he hoped he could pause for a second and brace himself. Or maybe he thought Mark would take the hint and summarize, or even finish there.

But he didn't. "She really keeps to herself is what I mean. She doesn't race for surgeries or trauma cases, and she doesn't even suck up to the attendings. She doesn't race to get out of scut or the pit, either. I don't think I've heard her talk or laugh or smile. She's broken, Derek."

"Oh, God." Derek finally opened his eyes, literally and figuratively. He was opening his eyes to the world he let behind, the world he left shattered. But suddenly, he was confused. "Why now? All those months with Addison, and prom, and now is when she finally falls apart. I mean, I would have done the same if I were her, but why now?"

Mark sipped his now cooled coffee before answering. "I don't know. Maybe because she really has been broken this whole time, but was better at hiding it. Maybe because, until now, she thought she might have a chance. Your leaving was the last straw. Maybe. I don't know what you did, man, but you'd better fix it. She's broken, and you broke her, so you better fix her."

Derek sat there, said his goodbyes, and reflected on Mark's words. It had been one of the only things Mark had ever said that made sense, that was true. It was the wisest thing he had heard from anyone, let alone Mark. Derek never knew his friend had such rationale. But no matter how astounded he was at Mark's heart-to-heart, all he could think about was Meredith. Mark was right, absolutely right. He needed to fix her. He needed her to be fine. Not Meredith fine, either. Fine – fine. And he needed them to be fine. He needed her to love him. And he needed them to be together, if it was the last thing he did.

Quickly he picked up the phone and called Addison back, ready to make a plan and set it in action.

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	4. The One to Beat, A Plan in Action

**Updated! yay! This time I think it's still a little longer than the previous chapter, but I felt like this chunk had to be posted all together. I think this is where the story picks up, so hopefully everyone will like it a lot more. If you are reading, please do review. It gives me incentive to update and confidence to continue!**

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Addison Forbes Montgomery had always been the girl to beat. She always had the best clothes, her mother returning from France and Italy and Spain with new outfits for her. She was overly spoiled, and was given the best of tutors as a girl, and the best private professors as an adult. When she was sixteen her father bought her a candy-apple red Ferrari, of which her whole school was envious. She graduated valedictorian of high school, and in the top ten in med school. She still wore the Prada and Jimmy Choo and Cabana. And then she had Derek, the perfect boyfriend, lover, fiancé, and husband. She was one of the country's foremost neo-natal surgeons, and she was still the same girl she was when she was in primary school.

She was still the one to beat.

There was no doubt in Addison's mind, she was a catch. She did feel awful, believe it or not, for Derek's slutty intern. Once again, since the moment Addison flew to Seattle, she was the one to beat. And Meredith was the one who had to beat her. Now that Addison knew she had been beaten, which she could admit was for the best, she had a certain respect for Meredith. Because she had beaten the one to beat.

So on one of the rare beautiful, cloudless Seattle mornings, Addison didn't feel pressured to do anything. She wanted to. She was kind of awarding Meredith for beating her. Right? She wasn't really helping her ex-husband work out his relationship with his ex-mistress. Right? Well, that's how she thought of it, anyway.

"Richard?" Addison knocked on the door to the chief's office and stepped inside when she heard a gruff acknowledgement come from the bowels of the room. She ran the name of the seminar, the flights, the hotels, the times, and the explanations through her head one more time as she greeted the chief of surgery of Seattle Grace. Derek had explained everything to her on the phone. Thank goodness he had seen that clip on the news. It had been the only time he'd watched the news that whole week, and Derek was convinced it was fate that the clip happened to come on that one time. Somehow, Addison couldn't help but agree.

"I know you don't come in here to complain about an intern, or ask for a raise, or beg for position of chief. So what brings you to my office this morning?"

Addison took a deep breathe before starting. "Well, I know that I may be one of the best neo-natal surgeons one the west-coast, but there is no doubt in my mind that I can improve. Every day there are new discoveries in procedures that worked and ones that, well, ones that didn't. Medicines not to use, when to use a ten-blade verses something of a different size. Besides the fact that codes are changing, what you can do, what qualifications an intern or resident has to have before I can allow them to assist me, or to do the procedure themselves. I don't know – "

Richard quickly interrupted, "Addison, the point?"

"Oh, yes." She smiled. She had been spending too much time around Derek. He would ramble on about things for ages. Now that she thought about it, so would Meredith, when she got nervous. Great, Meredith and herself shared a quality that everyone would rather live without. "There is a seminar about neo-natal surgery and OB/GYNs in New York, and I would like to attend."

Richard thought for a moment. "What about your surgeries?"

This one Addison had already thought out herself. "I would leave Thursday afternoon, after my C-section with Mrs. Botchelder and everything after that can either be postponed or overtaken by Dr. Fitzpatrick." Addison smiled to herself. This was going well, she could see it on Richard's face. He never liked rash decisions or ones that didn't seem very well thought out. But Addison had all the answers. Like she always did. She was always the one to beat, reading all the chapters from medical textbooks before the course even began. She was always the first one with the answer, and not one person in her class beat her to it.

Finally Richard sighed and nodded. "I assume you have this all worked out, with flights and everything? When will you be getting back."

"I'll be back bright and early Tuesday morning." He nodded, and picked up a stack of paper work on his desk, scanning it, signaling her dismissal. "Oh, and Richard? I'd like to take an intern with me. It would be nice to have a second head, fresh ideas, and a double memory. And it would be nice if I had someone with me if I was asked to assist on a surgery while I was in town. I used to live in New York, and I'm sure someone will want me in their OR."

He looked up at Addison, then down at the file again, before finally setting it down on his desk, folding his hands neatly on the hard wood. He tilted his head to the side, not sure if he should be suspicious. "Who did you have in mind?"

And suddenly Addison knew she had this plan in the bag. She always had been on top, the one to beat. As she walked out of the chief of surgery's office and off to prepare for an incoming hysterectomy, she felt like a million bucks, whatever confidence she had lost from the divorce restored. She always had been the one to beat. And she always would be.

-----------------------

Derek hadn't heard back from Addison yet, but she said not to expect a call back until after her shift, which ended in another eight hours. Derek was a man of action. He was also a good guy, known for doing the right thing. So it wasn't like Derek to sit there in the living room with the rest of the moping family and not do anything. It wasn't like him to let people think he was the bad guy, doing the wrong thing. It was out of character. So he was completely entitled to take action, even though Addison said to leave everything to her. Right?

Derek got up and left the living room and walked back into the kitchen, which, in the last 24 hours, had turned into his conference room for phone calls. He picked the phone up from the island, where it had been abandoned, and flicked a light on as he passed. He sat down at the kitchen table in an old, wooden chair, crafted by his father. It reminded him of why he was where he was in life, and why he was in New York now.

He dialed the familiar number by memory, something he was only able to do with a select few numbers. As he heard it ring, he began to re-think his actions. Addison said she had everything under control. Should he have trusted her and left her to do everything without interference? What if this phone call could ruin all of their previous plans? What if she already got his message and didn't want to talk to him? What if she didn't want him at all? Would he only make things worse by calling again?

As these thoughts ran through Derek's head, his throat tightened and he began to sweat. This was a bad idea, calling her again. What would he even say? What could he possibly say that would make things better? Just as Derek was about to hang up the phone in regret of his decision and in fear of the outcome, someone answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Derek sighed. He felt a little disappointed at the voice. He might night have known what to say, but it would have made his world a whole lot brighter if he could have heard her voice. This wasn't easier, yet it wasn't harder. "George. It's Derek – Dr. Shepard." He paused for a minute. George didn't say anything. "Please, can I speak to Meredith?"

"I don't think that's the best idea."

Derek turned around as the kitchen door opened, but turned back around when he saw it was only Maegan. He didn't care if she heard everything. He sighed in frustration at George's answer. "Please. You can listen in if you want and stop me if I say something wrong or hurtful. You can even hang up and I won't call back. But I have to let her know I love her. I have to. I can't just seem like I disappeared and not tried to say anything. I didn't do that. I didn't mean to hurt her. I called and I left messages and I've been trying to contact her. After everything, I just have to let her know – "

A voice came from within the room, "George, who is that?"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't think we're interested in buying your product. Good-bye." And with that the line went dead.

Maegan sat down next to him and he put his head in his hands. He couldn't believe this. But why had George acted so strangely… She was in the room! He was so close, the voice he heard was hers! He was so close and yet so far. Was this ever going to work.

"It's okay." Maegan said. "It will work out, if you really love her and you were meant to be."

"Promise?" Derek knew this was a foolish question to ask, because doctors of all people knew that not all promises could be kept. He usually avoided promises with an 'I'll do my best' or an 'I hope so.' But now he needed this from his sister, the little reassurance her answer could provide.

"I promise."

Derek nodded and took his sister in his arms, glad that he could say she was still on his side in the world. These days it seemed like everyone was against him, more and more everyday. He just hoped with all his heart that Meredith wasn't one of those people just yet.

-----------------

"Meredith?" She had been sitting on a bed in the oncall room with the lights off, trying not to look so miserable. But looking up to see who had opened the door and flicked on the lights only made things worse.

"Addison…" Her voice sounded dead and weepy, and she cleared her throat to try and pull it together. "Can I help you with anything? Are you looking for Alex?" Alex had been assigned to her that day, and he was known to "forget" every time he was on the gynie-squad.

"Oh, no." She closed the door and sat on the bed across from Meredith. She looked awful. Her eyes were rimmed red, and she hadn't bothered to try and cover it up with make-up. Her hair was in disarray, like she didn't care what she looked like. Truth be told, she didn't. And Addison knew that. So she continued with caution… "How are you doing?"

"Fine." She answered a little too quickly, her automatic response. "Why?"

Addison couldn't say because Derek left. Meredith still didn't know they were divorced, and it really wasn't her place for Addison to tell. Besides, Addison was supposed to hate Meredith, like she had when they first met. She was the mistress. Well, up until a week ago she had been. So what could she say…

"You just don't seem yourself."

"No, I'm okay. Just over-worked." Overworked with heartbreak, that was. But Addison could assume she meant overworked at SGH. It was believable. Even though they both knew the truth.

For a minute they sat there in awkward silence, both looking away, sneaking glances when they dared. Finally Addison spoke up, "Well, the real reason I came was because I have a conference in New York I'm going to at the end of the week."

"Okay…" What did this have to do with anything? And why was Addison acting protective of Meredith? Didn't she hate her? Or wasn't she supposed to?

"I'd like you to come." Meredith just sat there in silence, staring back at her, blinking. "We'd only be gone for a few days. And I know you haven't been like yourself lately. The chief agrees with me. Everyone is worried about you. The best thing is for you to get out of town for a few days."

What was going on here? Surely, Addison knew how this sounded. Like Meredith was upset over… well, you-know-who. Didn't she realize that?

Meredith decided to take a chance. She knew this would ruin any possible friendship or even just a friendly work existence between them. Bust she had to ask. Maybe then Addison would leave her to her pity party. "How is he?"

Addison took a deep breath, just now realizing the full magnitude of the situation. IF Meredith still thought she and Derek were married, than this single question could have ruined everything for her. But she loved him enough to ask anyway. So Addison decided to tell the truth, even if it was taking a chance, doing exactly what Derek told her not to. Even if Meredith couldn't understand. "Missing you."

There was one beat, a silent pause, before Addison continued, in an almost clearly fake-sounding upbeat mood. "So will you come?"

--------------------

Meredith sat on the plane twiddling her thumbs nervously. Twiddling. What kind of word was that and who took the time to come up with it? They must have been bored. Well, maybe that's why people twiddled when they were bored. IT made sense. The creation of the word having to do with the use –

Meredith stopped herself right there. She was rambling. In her mind, no doubt, and about something as pointless as moving her thumbs in a continuous circular pattern. But she was still rambling. And that could only mean one thing.

She was nervous.

But why would she be nervous? There was no way she could be nervous about flying on a plane. She had done it many times before when her mother had to go to surgeries across the country or the rare vacation she took when she was little. Planes didn't have anything to do with it. Heck, more people died or got injured in car crashes than airplanes by an unbelievable ratio. She couldn't be nervous about the convention. Even if the papers and medical world thought the daughter of the prodigal Ellis Grey was going into obstetrics, so what? IF she messed up, the only one who would be there to see it was Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepard. And it wasn't like Addison thought well of her in the first place. She had been her husband's mistress for crying out –

Meredith stopped herself in the middle of that thought. Derek. Her day had been going fairly well, and then she thought of him. How a look could make her dazed and confused, forgetting where she was or who else was there. How his smile could send her in a whirlwind of feelings, trying to decipher which end was up and how to speak. How he smelled her hair when they were close and he thought she couldn't see him. How being in the same room with him could electrify every sensation. And how one simple caress or kiss could send her over the edge.

And lastly, how none of it happened anymore.

Meredith burst into a fit of sobs. They were uncontrollable but silent sobs, each one wracking her small frame. She tried to turn in her seat, hide it from Addison and the rest of the plane. She tried to look out the window, but tears blurred her vision so much that she couldn't see if they were over land or water, the sky light or dark. She felt her whole soul mourning for the loss of Derek, someone she realized she never fully had. And she thought of how her heart broke every time she thought of him, the tear growing deeper each time. And the one thing that could fix her heart was the one thing she couldn't have. Or rather the one person.

She felt a hand on her right arm, and looked over to see Addison watching her with sympathetic eyes. "Are you alright?"

Meredith looked down like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. She couldn't say it was just emotional distress from work. The chief had given her the last two days off. What would she say? But when she looked down at the hand that held her, what she should say was the farthest thing from her mind. She just stared at the hand. And the one thing that was missing from it. Meredith's head snapped up so fast she should have gotten whip-lash. Her eyes met Addison's, hers confused and Addison's in an "uh-oh" faze.

And now Meredith knew why she was rambling, why she was nervous. Because she had no idea what the hell was going on.

As Addison took her hand from Meredith's arm, she knew it was her turn to be nervous. Butterflies crept into her stomach as she slowly put her hand in her lap, looking away. She might have always been the one to beat, but now she was the one to be beaten. Derek was going to kill her. How could she fix this one? She decided that right now, words were too dangerous. Silence was the best option.

She thought over her dilemma as Meredith looked out the window, having returned to twiddling her thumbs and rambling in her mind. And the passenger directly next to her took her right hand and ran her perfectly manicured fingers over the spot where her wedding ring was supposed to be.

--------

dun dun dun...

just kidding. like it, hate it, please let me know. and if you are reading, please review, i'm getting slightly discouraged! lol


	5. Lover's Reunion

**Finally updated, I know. Sorry, I've had a busy past couple of weeks, but I'm updating now, so... :)**

**I know, they keep getting longer and longer... but hopefully that's a good thing. I couldn't make myself split this section up, it just all went together too smoothly. This section has some of my favorite chapters in it, so I hope you like it to! Please be nice and review.**

--

Derek found himself pacing around the family room. Yes, he had alerted his family that they were coming. And yes, he had managed to get everyone in a good mood. Well, his mothers' mental health was still to all intents and purposes depressed, but she was putting on a good face. Everyone was out off their so-called "scrub" clothing, and he put on his good red shirt that he still managed to have in good condition. He did know what he was going to say. He was going to say I Love You. And he did have the divorce papers set and ready to show her.

Except they were upstairs! He raced up to get them in his briefcase which was underneath the bed in his old room. He went upstairs and disappeared behind the bend of the hallway, and was hidden from the sight of the front door, foyer, and living room. He turned the corner to the room that had been repainted in hues of beige and tan since he left for college all those years ago. Just as he reached under the bed to grab his briefcase full of papers and such from the divorce, the doorbell rang.

Meredith!

He sat up without thinking and hit his head with a solid whack against the frame of the mattress. He quickly rubbed the back of his head, muttering a quiet "ouch," and grabbing the briefcase from under the bed. He walks slowly out into the hall, almost afraid of what he'll see when he turns the bend. But what he does see makes his heart warm and his face break out into a smile.

--

Meredith takes a deep breath and follows Addison out of the taxi and up to the front steps of the house, where the driver has deposited their bags. She doesn't know what will be inside this house, or why all of the sudden she feels like she's having more difficulty keeping her breakfast down and the world is spinning. It wouldn't really stop spinning. When the door opens and someone who can't be that much younger than herself greets them inside, Meredith begins to relax. Maybe this won't be so bad. After all, it's just a conference for OB/GYNs. What could happen?

The young woman stepped aside and let Addison and Meredith come in the house. The moved from the foyer to the living room, and saw four other women, besides the one that answered the door, one of them considerably older. A woman with short black hair, looking to be in her late thirties or early forties, stepped up, a slight smile on her face. "Missed you, bitch." She said this as she hugged Addison.

Addison smiled back and replied warmly, "I knew New York wouldn't be the same without me, but it must have been something to make you notice, Nancy Pants."

They stepped away from each other, laughing, and Addison hugged all of the other women in the room. When all the greeting was over, everyone directed their gaze toward Meredith, who was still back by the door. Addison waved her over, but Meredith stayed put, unsure. They all had the same familiar, unsettling blue eyes. They were all related. And Meredith was afraid to find out who else they were all related to. Maybe this was why she had suddenly felt nauseous. Her body as warning her before her mind could know. But now it was too late to leave.

So Addison just said, "Everybody, this is Meredith Grey. Meredith, this is Maegan, Nancy, Kathleen, Sarah, and Elaine Shepard." She pointed to each one of them in turn. The one who opened the door was Maegan, seeming to be in her early twenties, with almost painfully familiar head of unruly black hair. The one who had hugged Addison was Nancy, who was dressed in similar fashion to Addison, wearing some designer or other. She made Meredith feel under-dressed in her plain shirt, jeans, and sneakers. The older one, the one with graying hair and wise face, was Elaine. Kathleen and Sarah stood in the back, both analyzing her in a way that made her squirm.

But then she heard the end of the introduction, and froze in place. She had tried to ignore the physical signs, bit this made it undeniable. Meredith's voice wavered, "She- Shepard?"

It sounded exactly like the first thing she had said when she'd first met Addison. And she looked exactly the same way, scared and not entirely sure if she wanted to know the answer. And, truth be told, she probably didn't."

Nancy stepped forward, "Yep. And you're the intern who has been screwing my brother?"

Before Meredith could respond, she saw a flash of movement on the stairs and looked up, only to see the one person she both wanted to see the most and wanted to see the least. There was Derek, who seemed to have heard the entire conversation. Not that she had said much anyway. But it was enough. He'd had a smile on his face, the one that sent everyone swooning and won him the mcnickname McDreamy. The smile slowly dropped from his face, but the intense look in his eyes stayed.

Suddenly, Meredith couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was staring at her. All of the Shepards. Derek's wife. Derek's mother. All his four sister, who didn't seem to like her in the least. All eyes were on her, and she couldn't seem to look away from the eyes that caught her own up on the staircase. There he was, after all that hunting and crying and moping, but he wasn't any closer to her than he had been when she'd been in Seattle. He was still Addison's. Or was he? What was with the missing ring? Why was he smiling? Obviously Addison knew Derek was here? Did they do this to torment her?

She didn't want to stay to figure it out. She just slowly began walking backwards and when she reached the door to the foyer she turned around. Her speed didn't increase, but she ignored all comments, snippy or otherwise, and all calls of her name. She even ignored the sounds of footsteps running down the stairs. She opened the door and walked out, not bothering to shut it behind her.

She had wanted Derek so badly, but now he was here before her and she couldn't do anything about it. All she could do was walk away. She was an avoider of issues, and this was what she did. She avoided. She kept walking, but the more she walked nothing changed. She didn't turn around when the front door slammed shut, seeming far away, or when the footsteps got closer. But, after a minute, she did have to stop. The nausea rose in intensity, and the world wouldn't stop spinning. In fact, it spun faster with each step. And she realized that it never would stop spinning. Not for her or anyone else.

She felt a pair of strong hands on her shoulders, and she would know who it was in her sleep. More like in her dreams and fantasies. He slowly spun her around, looking at her all concerned, just like he always did. Just like old times, before Addison came and she wished the world would stop for the first time. He asked her softly, quietly, lovingly, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." But the world wouldn't stop spinning. "I just –…" The world finally did stop spinning as she fell like a dead weight into his open arms.

--

"Ohmygod!" Addison said in all one word as she saw Derek carrying Meredith's limp form into the house.

"Derek!" Elaine cried, for once out of her stupor, "What did you do?!"

But Derek ignored them both, walking up the stairs in the foyer to his room where he laid her gently on the bed under the covers, and is lips laid the slightest kiss on her forehead. He would have climbed into the bed with her and held her fragile form in his protecting embrace, had there not been five other women that had followed him all the way to his room. He motioned for them to go out of his room, and he quickly followed suit, shutting the door as quietly as possible, making sure not to wake his sleeping beauty.

As soon as he shut the door, he was bombarded with questions.

"Derek, what happened?" Addison scolded.

"Is she hurt?" Elaine was still out of her fog, feeling genuine concern for the poor girl.

"Is she faking?" Nancy laughed.

"I bet you she's pregnant." Sarah snapped. "That's it, and it's all your fault."

"Derek, did you get that girl pregnant?" Elaine gave her only son the stare-down.

"Addison, you should have known better than to let that girl get on a plane in her first trimester." Kathleen shook her head in disapproval. Addison just looked bewilder.

"She's not pregnant!" Addison nearly shouted.

Derek just politely ushered himself through the crowd of women and started down the stairs. But they kept following him, intent on getting their questions answered. He walked straight into the kitchen across the hall from the living room, even politely holding the door open for all five women to pass before him. Then he walked straight to the liquor cabinet and began pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

"Is she, Derek?" Nancy sneered. "You would know."

"I don't think she's big enough to carry a baby." Kathleen testified. "She looks anorexic."

"Really, don't be so critical." Maegan spoke up for the first time. "She's just built tiny."

"Yeah, like miniature tea-sets are tiny." Sarah whispered this to Nancy, but loud enough for everyone else to hear.

"What will you do if she's pregnant, Derek?" Elaine said gently. She seemed to be back in mother/grandmother mode. It was a good sign, except she had never been in the grandmother mode concerning Derek before.

"Will you dump her and find some fresh intern meat here in New York?" Nancy scoffed.

"I think we're all forgetting something." Everyone turned to look at Addison, silent for a moment. "What happened out side?" They all turned to Derek, who put the top back on the whiskey and put it in the cabinet where it came from, his expression never changing.

But the silence only lasted a minute.

"Did you knock her out?" Sarah joked. "Or just come up behind her and scare her senseless?"

"The way he's been acting since he came in the house shows signs of mental instability." Kathleen mused. "You should let me examine him. Maybe he's finally lost his sanity. I saw it coming, but no one believed me."

"I know what happened!" Elaine exclaimed. "She's just hypoglycemic, right? Or maybe it's simple dehydration? It's something medically explainable, I'm sure." She nodded as if to confirm this.

"Maybe she minored in drama." Nancy's voice was beyond smug. "She sure knows how to bring drama into this family." This made Sarah and Kathleen laugh while the rest of them smirked. If not anything else, this was true.

But Derek just looked at them, especially at Maegan, as if saying 'help me.' And then she thought of something. Of how when she called him or talked to him on the phone in those first months, he had been ecstatic with happiness about the beginning of his relationship. How his eyes glossed over when he talked about her, and how he smiled when he said her name. And how he ran after her! Well, that said enough. He never ran after Addison, did he? He just walked away.

And then, just when the laughter was dying down, she asked him. "Do you love her?"

This made everyone go quiet in an instant, and not the quiet like earlier. But everyone was watching him, not for a second or a moment, but waiting for his answer. Addison smiled slightly, knowing his response but waiting for his wording. Maegan knew this would come up eventually, but she thought it was best to get it out sooner than later. Besides, she had to know. If her brother really liked this girl, than she was going to take this opportunity to interrogate her like no one else ever had. But she felt she already knew his answer.

Derek just smiled that famous, dreamy smile of his and answered slowly, carefully. "I don't just love her. I'm IN love with her. She's the love of my life. I just hope I can come to be her's."

"Awwww," they all chorused together, and then laughed at how soap-opera this all sounded.

"How romantic!" Sarah pretended to swoon and Kathleen caught her.

"Isn't he just adorable?" Nancy squeezed his cheeks and shook them like the crazy aunt you always avoid at family reunions.

Derek picked up his glass of whiskey and downed it in one swallow. "And people wonder why there are alcoholics in this world." He just shook his head and rinsed his rinsed his glass out before putting it in the dishwasher.

Maegan walked up behind him and surprised him by putting a hand on his shoulder. It was a hard reach, with him being a whole head and shoulders taller than she was. She smiled sweetly at him. "I think it's sweet. I can't wait to meet the girl who has finally captured my brother's heart. This time for good."

"This time for good." He hugged her tightly, kissing her on the cheek. "See, this is why you're my favorite." They both laughed and went to join the rest of the family in a discussion about Meredith.

--

Meredith stood outside the kitchen door, trying to catch her breath. She leaned up against the wall, trying to catch her balance. She slid slowly to the ground, using the end table in the foyer beside her for support. She closed her eyes, willing the tears to stop before they even started.

He'd left her, right? Twice. She chose him over Finn, and him over every other guy she could have been with. She chose him over MARK, for crying out loud. It would have been a pleasure to get up close and personal with McSteamy. And then he chose Addison. And then he disappeared off the face of the earth.

But then Addison wasn't wearing her ring. They'd brought her specifically to this conference, where they were apparently staying at Derek's family's house. And he had chased after her when she left. And carried her back. And put her in his bed. HIS BED. And now he was… he was saying he was in love with her?

It was too much for her to take and she felt like her world was getting smaller. Air became hard to find and her lungs felt too small to capture enough. Was she hyperventilating? What was going on here?

Meredith didn't know what to do. All she knew was that she was very much in love with Dr. Derek Shepard. And that he seemed to love her too. But what she didn't know was what was going to happen next.

And that was the part that scared her most.

--

Maegan walked up behind him and surprised him by putting a hand on his shoulder. It was a hard reach, with him being a whole head and shoulders taller than she was. She smiled sweetly at him. "I think it's sweet. I can't wait to meet the girl who has finally captured my brother's heart. This time for good."

"This time for good." He hugged her tightly, kissing her on the cheek. "See, this is why you're my favorite." They both laughed and went to join the rest of the family in a discussion about Meredith.

--

"So Derek, she's an intern at your hospital right?" Nancy asked, trying her best not to bash the girl that had obviously stolen her brother's heart, even while he was married.

They looked at him, snacking on some various foods their mother had set out just moments before. They all seemed to have dropped the crap about Meredith, deciding to stick to safer topics. Like ones that wouldn't make their brother yell. Or worse, ones that would make him say nothing at all.

"Umm, yeah. Yes. But her mother is Ellis Grey. So she's got a little more of a head start." He was unsure how to answer, because he knew with everything he said they would judge her, even if they wouldn't do it out loud.

"Not that she uses it, though." Addison added. "I think she works twice as hard to prove that she's not just riding on her mother's name."

"Really." Kathleen probed. "Maybe there is a strenuous family relationship. The need to prove oneself. Obviously a poor connection with her mother." Everyone else nodded. Derek and Addison didn't say anything, knowing this wasn't a good topic to get into.

"Has she done anything… super amazing?" Maegan asked, the most curious to know more about Meredith. She was something different. Most girls wouldn't run away from Derek, like she had, but run to him. What made her so different from everyone else?

Derek and Addison looked at each other for a moment, trying to remember.

"Knowing the five reasons of post op fever on her first day." Derek offered. "Being able to convince a Hmong girl to go against her father and have surgery."

"Didn't I hear something about solving the Katie Bryce mystery? Wasn't that on the first day too?" Addison asked Derek, and when he nodded she explained to everyone else. "A fourteen-year-old beauty contestant with unknown causes of seizures. She figured out why. Countless other little things like that, too. Very often."

They sat in silence for a moment, everyone else knowing there was something more. "The day of the bomb." Derek finally revealed. He closed his eyes, trying to forget the hurt that day had caused him. "A patient was brought in with a homemade device in his chest, one that had yet to explode. They called in the bomb squad, and the paramedic couldn't handle the pressure. So she dropped the bomb in the body cavity."

He took a deep breath, calming himself before continuing. "And Meredith caught it. Everyone else in the room ducked, including the head of the bomb squad. But she stood there, and put her hand on a bomb. She helped move the patient away from the central oxygen line of the hospital, and took the bomb out of the body. Dylan, I believe the bomb squad guy's name was, took the bomb out of the room. She followed him out into the hall. The bomb exploded."

He could hear some intakes of breath, but he didn't look up to see who it was. He still held his eyes closed tightly, afraid if he opened them he wouldn't have the nerve to continue. "The hospital didn't explode. I had been right next to the operating room she had been in before, and I was fine. My patient lived. And her patient lived too. And do did she."

He looked up finally, opening his eyes to see everyone's faces filled with awe. Addison and Maegan were smiling slightly. He sighed, running a hand through his already messy mass of curls. He just shook his head. "I couldn't believe it either. She scared the shit out of me. I thought she had died."

"Nice catch, Derek." Sarah breathed. "She must really be something."

"You're telling me." Derek shook his head again and they all laughed, even Addison, who never knew how much that day had effected him. But then again, she shouldn't be surprised, they were meant for each other.

--

Meredith lay up in Derek's bed with her eyes closed, trying to forget what she had heard downstairs. But it was impossible to do so with everything surrounding her smelling like Derek. The sheets, the pillow, the whole room. All of it smelled like him. And it wouldn't let her forget.

He said he loved her. No! He'd said he was in love with her. She was the love of his life. But then she scolded herself for sounding silly. He had just said "her." He could very well be talking about Addison. Then why didn't Addison have her ring on? Did she not love Derek anymore? Then why had she fought for him? And if it was her, then why would he say such a thing? This didn't make any sense. And, as she had proven but running back up the stairs, she didn't really want to know what sense it did make.

His family had thought she was pregnant, or just faking fainting. Someone had thought she was anorexic. They obviously didn't like her very much. What had Addison been thinking taking her here? Was there really any conference at all? Or had they faked everything to get her out here? And why did they want her here? And, the biggest question of all: why did Derek leave in the first place?

Meredith was stopped mid-thought when she heard the door creak open. She didn't know who it was, but she probably knew. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know. So she just pretended to be sleeping, paying particular attention to the speed of her breathing.

--

Derek finally managed to sneak away from the kitchen, going up to check on Meredith. There he found her sleeping in his bed, looking like an angel with her hair splayed out over his pillow. Her right hand was curled around the edge of the blanket while her left was loosely in a fist. He sighed lightly, smiling his McDreamy smile. God, she was beautiful. And, God, did he love her.

He bent down next to her and brushed a lock of golden hair out of her eyes. The he ran his thumb along the contours of her skin, her cheek bone, her eyelids, her chin, her lips. His thumb came to rest there on her lips, and he replaced his fingertip with his lips, just as soft and gently. He gave her a soft, lingering kiss, never wanting to break apart. He sighed a sweet sight. A happy sigh. This was how they were meant to be.

Derek climbed into bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her. In her sleep, she nuzzled deeper into his arms and her head and neck found the nook by his shoulder where she fit perfectly. Derek laughed a joyful laugh at her actions, one that Meredith hadn't head in a long time. Then again, he hadn't heard it in a while, either. He just hugged her closer, kissing the top of her head as he did so.

They lay there for a moment, just comfortable to be with each other. Meredith pretended to be asleep, and for all Derek knew, she really was. Being there in his arms made her feel a safety and contentment she hadn't felt in the longest time. She began to edge toward sleep as she felt a peace unknown to her until now.

But then he spoke, in a quiet whisper. It was so quiet she almost couldn't hear it. But it was just loud enough. He did say, and she did hear it.

"I love you, Mer." He began, "I wish you could know how much I love you. I never meant to hurt you with Addison. I didn't love her. I never really did, not even at the beginning. But it's over now. We're divorced, and she's with Mark. And hopefully I can be with you. Addison was meant for Mark, just like you and I were meant to be."

He chuckled softly, and then continued, "I didn't mean to leave Seattle without you or without telling you. I was so excited. The divorce papers were finalized, signed and approved. I couldn't wait to show you, to prove that this time it was for real. I went to catch you at Joe's and saw Burke. He called Christina and had you wait up. But on my way there I got a call from Nancy. My father had finally died, after battling it all these years. So I turned around and went to the airport instead, calling the chief on the way. I should have called you. But I didn't. I just forgot about everything."

He began to stroke her hair, so soft and smelling like lavender. It calmed him and relaxed him in a way that noting else could. It drove him mad, and to him it was the best smell in the world. It smelled like her. He nuzzled his face in her hair, inhaling the scent. He didn't know if she'd let him be this close to her once she woke up. But for now he was going to enjoy it.

"Mer," he breathed, "I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts. I didn't mean for you to get your heart broken. I didn't mean to break my own heart, either. But you're the only one who can fix it. I think I might be the only one who can fix you. You might be scary and damaged. You may even be dark and twisty. But I'm going to stick around until you can be bright and shiny, until you be bright and shiny with me. I promise you, I'm always going to be there, saying things, and I hope you'll be there, saying things, too."

This had Mer on the verge of tears. Now she was wide awake. Did he mean it? Did he mean it all? She flipped over so she was laying on his chest, looking up into his startled eyes. He put his hands gently on her lower back, supporting her as she leaned against him. He looked at her, doing that cute little cock of the head, his eyes questioning. He had done enough speaking, when she had obviously been awake for most of if not all of his heart-wrenching speech. It was her turn now.

"You promise?" She finally asked, her eyes glazed over with tears that were threatening to spill.

He smiled that McDreamy smile again and said, "I promise."

Mer buried her face in his chest, and he hugged her closer to him, resting his head on top of hers. She began to cry softly, out of sadness, out of joy. "Oh, Derek. I love you. I really do."

"I know Mer," he ran a comforting hand up and down the length of her back, soothing her. "I know. And I know, and this will be true until the day that I die, that I love you too."

The rested there like that, enjoying one of the few moments in life when there was sheer bliss. They were in love and they were together. And everything was going to be alright, it seemed. Finally, they fell asleep in each others arms, each never more comfortable than when they are in the other's arms.

--

**Like it? Hate it? Let me know.**


	6. Love Lost, Love Found

**To make up for the length of time it took me to update last time, I thought I'd update quickly this time. I hope you enjoy. Please R & R.**

--

The Shepard family stood in front of the burial site, watching as their beloved husband, father, and grandfather was buried too soon. Meredith stood off to the side, looking on, with Addison not too far off. Derek's father had been a professor at NYU for thirty years, so besides the extended family there were students from all walks of life in attendance. Yet, Meredith never knew the man. So why was she here at his funeral? From all she had heard he was a great guy, a memorable teacher, and a fantastic father. So why did she deserve to be at the funeral of an honorable man who never knew her.

She sighed, wrapping her arms tightly around her as the wind blew strongly. It looked like a storm was coming in.

"I know that look." Said a voice from beside her. She hadn't realized Addison had moved to stand next to her. Well, it was fitting. The two people who weren't part of the family at home or the family at school flocking together.

"What?" Meredith just said. She wasn't up to mind games, especially after the games everyone had been playing with her for the last few weeks.

"Wistful. You're wistful at a funeral like 'I wish I could have that.'… Are you jealous of a dead guy?"

"No." Meredith cracked a smile. If she had gotten to know Addison under different circumstances maybe they would have been friends. "It's just that Derek and his family –the Shepards – they're all close. I know everyone thinks it must have been great to grow up with the great Ellis Grey. But I didn't really grow up with her. I grew up without her, and without my father. So it seems nice that they have this close family. Everyone cares that Professor Shepard died. If my dad died, at this point I might not even go to the funeral. He has a whole other family that I'm not a part of."

Addison smiled. "I know. Their family is so close it's petrifying at first. Even to me, and I had a close, normally functioning family. Well, besides the fact that my parents hyphenated my last name and my mother kept her maiden name after marriage… But, Meredith, I think you'll fit in to the Shepard family just fine."

And with that Addison walked away, leaving Meredith there astonished. Meredith? Part of the Shepard family? What could Addison possibly mean by that? She thought she had a guess, but Meredith was afraid to find out if she was right or not. On top of that, she wasn't sure she'd be more scared if she was right or if she was wrong.

--

Derek stood staring at the gravestone long after the funeral had been over. He couldn't help thinking about his father, his own life, and how he would have done things different if he could. He knew his father was sick, and it could come back at any time. That's why he had become a doctor, to help people like his dad. But then he's got all caught up with his own life and Addison and he'd just left for Seattle without looking back. His dad died and he wasn't there.

Derek felt a tiny hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Meredith had joined him, staring at the gravestone. There inscribed was _Professor M. J. Shepard; Loving husband, father and grandfather; 1947 – 2007. _

"I can't believe this." Derek just said, turning back to the grave, not looking at Meredith. She did the same, focusing straight ahead. "He was always there when I needed him. Always. And the one time when he needed me… well, I bet you can figure that one out."

He just chuckled, but his laughter held no amusement.

Meredith didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. She just fidgeted with her watch, twirling it around her wrist, much liker her mother did. Her mother. She'd grown up with an absent mother and a dead-beat dad. Which brought her back to where she started, with nothing to say.

Derek continued, though. "You know, he was why I became a doctor. When I was a junior in high school he found out he had a brain tumor. And they surgically removed it just fine and put him on chemo…But the way his doctor made his life so much better, that's what inspired me. So here I am, a neurosurgeon. For my dad and people like him. Just normal people who happen to get struck with incredibly bad things.

"It was all fine. He was proud of me, and I was proud of him. But then I married Addison. And it never worked out, not even in the beginning. So when I had the chance I left. And I forgot all about him… Apparently the tumor came back and he didn't tell anyone. He didn't want to fight it, his doctors told us. But I still forgot about him… What kind of person does that?" This time he looked over at her, expecting an answer.

She just smiled thinly. "A normal person. But for me, my family is all I can think about… because I never had one. It must have been nice to have a father who's there and a mother who cares. He was there for you, right?" She turned to him, wondering.

"Why would you ask that?" Derek's voice was accusing and hurt.

Meredith turned away and started walking in the other direction. "Because no one was ever there for me."

Derek grabbed her arm before she could walk away. She turned, looking up at his face which was sallow and sad, his eyes the harshest shade of blue. Suddenly, he shook his head and let her go. "I'm sorry. It's just… I feel so lost without him. He's always been there for me, helping me know what to do. I just don't know what to do anymore without him."

Meredith stood there for a moment, contemplating, before finally deciding she had the right to speak her mind. "Is that why you did all this, started this thing between us? You left and since your dad wasn't there you thought it was alright to involve some girl. Yes, some girl, not a woman. Just some girl, fresh out of med school. You felt you could cheat on your wife and make an intern, who knew nothing about it, your mistress. Derek, do you think that's alright just because your dad wasn't there?"

"Meredith," he began, but she stopped him.

"No. You say Meredith and I yell, remember?" she paused, trying to calm herself down, before she continued. "Do you really think you can't function because your dad isn't here? I know you always had him and it must be tragic to lose him now. But, think about this. What about the kids who don't have anyone? They do it, they keep going on. You, Derek, you have your mother, your three sisters, your big family. You have Addison… and you have me. You're a grown man, Derek. You can handle it… I… I never had anyone, and I still don't. I dealt with it, and so can you."

She was done with her speech, and she started walking over to where the rest of the Shepards had congregated a little ways off. She could see Addison and Maegan intently watching them and whispering quietly to each other.

"Meredith!" Derek called behind her, but she didn't stop or even slow. She was done. "Meredith!" He called again, this time drawing attention from several more people in the group.

After a minute she spun around on her heel, waiting for him to catch up. He did, and he spoke again, "You do have someone, Meredith. You have me." She looked at him questioningly, titling her head a little as she did so. He always confused her, made things more complicated. What did this mean? What was all going on?

Before she could think about it, though, he kissed her. He kissed her hard and deep. He kissed her in a way he hadn't kissed her in a long time. It wasn't hot and wanting like at the prom, but something so much more. The way he pressed his mouth against hers and held her close with one hand on her head and the other on her lower back made her weak in the knees. This was the thing that made him different. When he kissed her, he made her world stop spinning. She didn't know how she had ever lived without him.

Finally they broke apart, and Derek pulled her into a tight embrace. She pressed her face against his chest, relishing in the comfort she found there, wishing he'd never let her go. "I missed you so much," she whispered. "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again."

"I know." He said as he stroked her head softly, whispering comforting murmurs in her ear. "I know, Mer. I know…And I'm never going to let that happen again for as long as I live."

--

Maegan and Derek were in the kitchen with the swinging door propped open by a bar stool. From there they could see into the foyer and past that into the living room where Addison and Meredith were reviewing a text book. They had missed the first day of the conference for the funeral they had known nothing about but decided to attend, but were going in that afternoon.

Derek sighed, watching her as she wrinkled her brow and titled her head, most likely trying to come up with the proper diagnosis. How he missed seeing that face, and all of her other faces, in the short time that he had been gone. It had been just over two weeks and it felt like over two lifetimes. He sighed again, running a hand through his hair, wondering how she had so much power over him.

"You alright over there?" Maegan said from across the table, sipping a glass of ice water. She was finding it quite amusing watching her brother gazing helplessly in love with a girl not much older than herself. The most amusing part was he looked like a big sad puppy dog. And this time, he wasn't just infatuated or doing it because it seemed to be the logical course of action. He actually loved Meredith.

Derek shook his head, awakening from his Meredith-induced stupor. Whenever she was around he couldn't think properly. "No," he smiled, "I'm not alright. I'm perfect. She… whenever she's around she… I don't know. She just…"

"Perfects you?" Maegan giggled at her brother's speechlessness.

"Yes." He chuckled back. Then all of the sudden his face dropped and he sighed loudly, getting up from his chair to pace around the room.

"What?" Maegan's voice turned serious, now matching her brother's expression and behavior.

He turned around and looked at her, debating whether he should tell her, before finally deciding to go ahead. "I just… I love her SO much that she can never understand…I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I hope she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, too."

They sit there in silence for a while, until Maegan knows what she wants to say is right, and that this is the right time to say it. "There's only one way to find out."

Derek turns to look at her quickly, their eyes meeting. His are intense and unreadable, while hers are smiling, matching her face. His breath is caught in his throat and he can't seem to make any reply while Maegan is more than content.

"Here, follow me." Maegan gets up and walks into the foyer and up the stairs. Derek follows, pausing slightly at the sight of Meredith in the living room with Addison, referencing something in a textbook and then writing it down. He glancing one last time before running up the stairs to find Maegan in the den.

No one had been in there since their father had died. It still had all of his papers strewn across the desk, a million pens in an old jelly jar on the window sill, and the hundreds of books still filled the book cases that lined three walls of the room. It was painted a deep red, almost burgundy, and it matched the leather furniture. To the right, directly in line with the desk, was an old family heirloom. It was a china cabinet belonging to Michael's (Derek's father) mother and held all of the jewelry and antiques belonging to the family.

Maegan took the key from behind the jelly jar of pens and unlocked it, quickly scanning the shelves until she found the little black box. She pulled it out slowly and carefully. She blew the dust off the top and handed it to Derek. While she turned her attention to re-closing the cabinet and putting the key back, Derek opened it, and found himself staring at his grandmother's engagement ring. It was simple, one square cut diamond in the middle with a silver band embedded with small diamonds all around. It sparkled in the light coming in through the window.

Maegan turned around to find Derek just staring at the ring. "I figured it out, you know. There was a reason you didn't give Addie grandma's ring. And I don't blame you. Because this ring symbolizes a lifetime, or an eternity. Grandma and Papa were married for 60 years, since they were twenty five until the day that Papa died. And you never were committed to Addison for an eternity. But you ARE committed to Meredith now. And you had better give her this ring or I will never forgive you."

For a second there was a pause, just their breathing and both of them staring at the ring. But then, Derek couldn't hold it in anymore, and his face broke into a huge smile that enveloped his face. He looked up at Maegan, whose smile was just as big, and they erupted in excited laughter. Holding the box tightly in his hand, he picked up his sister and twirled her around, kissing her on the forehead.

When he finally set her down they were both still smiling, so excited for what was to come. Maegan just shook her head at her brother. "Meredith sure has turned you into a fool, or something."

"Or something." Derek agreed. "Like a fool in love."

"Now go, mister!" Maegan swatted at him. "You better start planning the most romantic date of your life!"

Derek ducked while laughing heartily. God, it felt so good to be around his family again, even if one of them was missing. But, the family was soon to be one more. And Derek couldn't wait to be the one to make it so.

--

Meredith couldn't seem to grasp the concept. No matter how many times she tried to figure it out or how many times she re-read the text, it just wasn't clicking. Endometriosis…What kind of illness was that? And a laparoscopy? The hospital holding the conference had several of these procedures planned in the next week and Addison was likely to assist. And that meant Meredith, too. So how could she help if she didn't know what if was?

Addison tried to explain once again, "So Endometriosis is when the normal coating of the uterus comes off during menstruation. Laparoscopy is when an incision is made in the belly button and a tube is inserted containing several instruments. The surgery is performed there, with a microscope and a screen, so not to have to make a larger incision… Is that better?"

"A little." Meredith sighed, rubbing her temples. She then sighed, looking once more at the detailed picture on the screen of the laptop in front of her. "I suppose that makes sense."

"What are you worried about?" Addison questioned, closing out the website and shutting the laptop with a soft click.

"Dropping the instruments." She said bluntly with a slight shrug.

Addison just laughed. "You won't, trust me. I was afraid my first laparoscopic surgery. Don't worry, it's not likely you'll be doing it by yourself for a while, anyway. I'll be there right beside you."

Meredith nodded, and then looked up when she felt a soft hand on her shoulder. There was Derek, with Maegan just behind him. "How about you take a break for a while? Have you ever even been to New York before? Come out with us and see things. Tomorrow the hospital is going to steal you away and we won't have any fun." He gave her the pouting face and the little head tilt that made her laugh.

"I'm sorry, Derek, but I've really got to get this before tomorrow." Meredith turned back around and looked intently once again at the reference text, leaving Derek still standing there disappointed.

Maegan signaled largely in the background to Addison to say something, waving her arms and raising her eyebrows. Finally, Addison caught on and spoke up, "You know, I think you need a break for a while, Mer. I know I do. Maybe a little break isn't such a bad idea. A breath of fresh air outside of the house might let you clear your mind and start fresh. Besides, you've been working way to hard. This is supposed to be a vacation. Well, a working vacation. So have some fun."

Meredith shrugged and got up from the table, now joining the ever-smiling Derek out the door. Addison waited behind until those two were out the door before approaching Maegan. "What was that about?" Addison asked.

Maegan's face broke out into a smile. "Derek's going to propose!" She half-whispered, half screamed.

Addison smiled now, too, watching them interact through the open door. She shook her head. "God, he really does love her! They were meant to be together. I just wonder… why so soon?"

"Because," Maegan whispered, still watching them as they got in Maegan's car – she was the only one at the house with a car; Nancy, Kathleen, and Sarah had all gone home and Meredith, Addison, and Derek had all flown in. "Once you find the one you really love, you can't wait to begin the rest of your forever with them."

Meredith laughed as Derek opened the passenger door for her, ushering her in like she was the queen. "How can I repay you for being so kind?" She joked, laughing even more as he buckled her up and shut the door.

"Don't worry, you'll have a lifetime to catch up."

--

Meredith and Derek walked along side each other, Meredith still a little surprised at their location. "Central Park? She asked. "So cliché!"

Derek laughed. "It was one of my favorite places to go when I needed to think, growing up. As an adult, too."

"Oh." The smile dropped from her face. "Do you need to think now?" She looked over at him, and he returned her gaze.

"No." He smiled his mcdreamy smile, making her forget to breathe for a moment. She shook herself out of her trance and smiled back.

They both turned back for a moment and kept walking forward. 'What the hell are we doing?' Meredith thought. 'I'm here, in one of the most romantic places in the country, with nothing to say. I love him, I do, and I know he loves me. This, however, this is a new level of awkward. It's all been weird since the night I arrived. And I don't know if I'd rather it go back to the way it was of keep being this way.'

Derek rubbed his hands together as he thought, not quite sure of what to do. He wanted to ask her, he really did, but he wanted to wait for the perfect moment, right? Not ruin it because of his own impatience. Right? If Maegan were here, right now, that's what she'd say. So that's what he did. Waited.

Meredith took one long, steadying breathe before beginning, "So if we're not here to think… Why are we here? That sight-seeing crap was bogus. You can't fool me that easily." She looked over, smiling at him, trying to remind him she was just teasing. They caught each-others gaze and his eyes twinkled with amusement.

They walked like that, in companionable silence, for quite a while. They looked around, enjoying the view – not just of the park, but each other as well. If Meredith hadn't known better she would have thought he was ignoring her question. But he was just thinking about if he really wanted to tell her the answer.

Suddenly, he stopped before her and took a hold of her by her forearms, staring her intently in the eyes. His gaze was searching for some sign, what sign he didn't know. "Mer, I –"

He heard his phone start ringing and he sighed, dropping his arms from her and raising his head to the heavens in disbelief. "Hello?" He answered grumpily.

It was Addison, chirping happily on the other end. "So, did you pop the question yet." He didn't even have to ask how she knew.

"No, Addie, not yet."

"Oops," She laughed in a way which was slightly out of character. He figured Addison and Maegan had gone out for drinks while he took Mer to the park. "Well, me and Maeg need you to come get us now –: hiccup: - because the bartender at this restaurant, he – he told us we had to leave! Isn't that just UNBELIEVABLE?"

Derek sighed turning to see Mer watching him. "Well tell the nice man I'm coming, and I'll be sure to cover the expenses, full in cash."

He hung up and found Meredith laughing hysterically at the one-sided conversation. "What?" He barked, slightly amused by her behavior.

"That's just so funny! I'm the one who is sober and they are the ones that are drunk!"

With this they left the park, both having a good laugh, to go pick up Addie and Maegan. Both had enjoyed their little outing. One, however, wished he had done something else. And the other was still clueless as to the story unfolding before her.

--

Derek had only eyes for Meredith at the late dinner their family shared. His other sisters had returned – all of them lived in New York – and they finally managed to get Addison and Maegan fairly sober. After realizing what exactly they had done, both were embarrassed beyond belief and remained almost completely quiet throughout the meal.

"So, Addie," Nancy questioned, placing her fork down on her plate with delicacy. "Are you going to the conference tomorrow? Or are you just going to enjoy a little field trip with the Shepards? If you are, let me know and we can go shopping."

Addison laughed, and started talking for the first real time that night. "Yes, Meredith and I are going to the hospital tomorrow. There are only a few more days of the conference left. We should go before I totally get caught."

"Get caught for what?" Meredith asked while taking a sip of her water. Addison, and everyone else, looked between her and Derek, and back again. "Oh!" She exclaimed and chuckled a little. "That."

"Yes, that." Maegan smiled at her and gave a meaningful look towards her brother. Everyone was pretty much done with their meal and dinner was winding down. It was the perfect time.

"Well," Derek began, setting down his glass.

"Sorry," Meredith interrupted him. "I'm not feeling so well so I'm going to excuse myself a little early. Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Shepard."

They all muttered their goodnights and once Meredith was out of the room Derek sighed heavily in frustration. Maegan just laughed heartily while Addison smiled. Everyone else was still trying to figure out what was going on.

Finally Sarah asked, "What were you saying, Derek, before Meredith left?"

This made Maegan laugh harder and Derek put his head in his hands, hiding from embarrassment. Addie shook her head with amusement before nearly shouting, "He was going to propose!"

Nancy chuckled and took a sip of her wine, Sarah gave Derek an inquisitive look, and their mother clapped her hands with delight. That was what started the full-out interrogation and everyone was instantly in a better mood, including Derek himself.

--

On the stairs just outside the kitchen Meredith paused. Addie hadn't really just said that, had she? Meredith stood there for a moment, frozen in fear, anticipation, and guilt, before finally dismissing the idea with a shake of her head. She continued up the stairs while chastising herself with a 'That's just silly, Mer,' and going to lay down.

--

When Derek went up to go to bed a few hours later, he found Meredith fast asleep, curled up under the covers. She was so beautiful, even when she never tried. And now, when she was sleeping and her features were graced with a grace and calm, she looked more beautiful than ever. Instead of going back to what had been his room, he lay down next to Mer, pulling her closer and wrapping an arm around her waist. He smiled as she snuggled against him in her sleep. His last thought was how he couldn't wait for her to become his partner and wife, and finally sleep claimed him, as well.

--

Meredith and Addie made their way to the conference only to find that the OB/GYNs had been separated in an overflow of surgeries at the hospital. And soon they were off on a surgery too. To Meredith's great dismay, it was a laparoscopy, one performed through a small incision, the one she had had so much trouble with the day before. They quickly scrubbed in and Meredith was scared out of her mind. Thankfully, Addison knew this. But she also knew that the best way to get rid of fear was to work through it.

"Dr. Grey," Addison stated, "why don't you start out, make the incision and begin?"

Meredith almost stopped breathing. "Dr. Grey?" A scrub nurse called out to her.

"Umm… yes. Yes, of course." She took the instrument handed to her and began, and soon she was incredibly focused on the task at hand. Close to an hour into the procedure, they heard the door to the gallery above open and close. The gallery had been empty up until just then because there were so many more surgeries going on, all with doctors that were more local and better known by the staff in the hospital.

Meredith was focused on the surgery, which, so far, she had done without much assistance from Addison. It was hard to get started, but after that it was smooth sailing. Meredith just had to realize that she COULD do this surgery. But, soon enough, something happened that changed the whole equation.

"Dr. Grey?" The voice was a little uncertain, coming in from over the intercom in the gallery.

Meredith could, however, recognize that voice anywhere, and she responded without even looking up from the task at hand. "Derek, this really isn't the best time right now."

But he didn't hang up, but just continued. "Meredith… Mer, I…Marry me."

She dropped the instruments in her hands and stepped back a few paces from the patient. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Damnit! She had really heard correctly last night on the stairs. But that thought was quickly pushed to the back of her mind and she struggled to get control of her lungs. She could tell she was hyperventilating. Her hands were shaking and her body was quivering with gasps for air.

"Dr. Shepard," Addison shouted up to him as she crossed the difference between Meredith and herself, putting a comforting hand on the intern's back. "This isn't the time. Please leave the gallery so we can finish our surgery. She'll talk to you later."

Only when she heard the intercom go off and the door to the gallery close did she begin to comfort her new friend. "Meredith… take deep breaths. Deep breaths. In… and out. Good. Okay, close your eyes, just focus on your breathing. Good." And, sooner than expected, she was right and ready, fixing her scrubs and asking for the proper instrument to finish of the surgery.

Addison stood by, shaking her head. This surely didn't go as planned. Who would think he'd propose over an intercom during surgery? But, what had they expected? This was dark and twisty Meredith. The one who drank away her sorrows and slept with inappropriate men. She was an avoider. She avoided things. Like commitment in relationships, like marriage. Besides, they had just gotten back together less than a week ago.

Addison went to join Meredith at the operation table and guided her thought he rest of the operation – with new instruments that were properly sterilized – even more so than the beginning. Now, it was worse. She could tell, Meredith was scared, and her mind wasn't there. Her mind was with the dreamy-eyed guy that was surely waiting outside the OR door right at this moment.

Addison knew it wasn't going well. She knew they had some things to work out. But she knew that they would make things work. They would have a happily ever after. Because if they couldn't, when they were the most in love she had ever seen two people be, then there was no hope for anyone else.

--

**that procedure was a real one by the way. i looked it up and everything. i'm extremely proud of myself! Lol. Like it? Hate it? Let me know. Please r&r**


	7. An Answer

**I think this one is kinda short, but also worth it. Please read + review, as always, they make my day brighter. Any feedback is helpful. **_Know any good fics? Let me know. _**Alright... here we go!**

--

Meredith dialed the familiar number, waiting for them to pick up the phone. "Come on, Damnit!" She practically yelled, and her voice echoed off the linoleum on the bathroom ceiling.

"Hello?" She answered dully, obviously annoyed with having to answer.

"Christina!" Meredith yelled. "Why didn't you pick up!" She was frantic, and now she was pacing, too.

"Mer, we are in different time zones, you know."

"Don't give me that. You are a light sleeper. You would answer a page or a call from the hospital at any time, night or day. Even in a blizzard, you would answer you goddamn phone!"

"Jeesh, Mer. Calm down. What's got your panties in a bunch?"

"Addison brought me to see Derek. Yes, there is really a conference, but Derek is in New York – get this, for his father's funeral. And, no, we are not staying at a hotel. But in the same house as the Shepard family."

"Well, isn't that good news? McDreamy is Mcthere. And apparently Satan is trying to set you up with him. I mean, didn't you notice she hasn't worn her ring since the prom?"

"No, but that doesn't really matter!" She shrieked, running her free hand through her hair, her steps becoming quicker. This made it difficult to pace in such a small bathroom. "Because soon, if I can't think of a way out of this, I'll be the one with a ring! Christina, he proposed. Like over the intercom in the gallery while I was performing a laparoscopy with his ex-wife!"

"That does sound like a perfect way to propose. With a scalpel in your hand, blood every where, and the patient laying open on the table…"

"Yeah, for you! I'm freaking out here! Please, help me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. We haven't been back together for more than 100 hours. The last time I saw you we were still broken up, and I thought he was still married!"

"Yeah, and the last time I saw YOU, you were miserable. Maybe this is a good thing. You can't tell me you haven't been in love with him since day one. It's totally obvious, to everyone but you two. But maybe he can see it now, if he's proposing!"

"Christina! What has happened to you? You're supposed to be all 'men suck.' You're my person. And you're telling me to go with it?"

"Yes. This is what happens when you meet the guy. When you meet the ultimate guy. He makes you… I don't know, soft… Yuck, I can't believe I just said that!"

"I can't believe you have either. I can't believe that Burke turned you into this big, sappy person who would say yes to a proposal."

"I can't either." Christina sighed. She couldn't believe that SHE was the sappy one here. It was unbelievable. She never thought she'd be in this situation. But she was. "Mer… I know this is ridiculous, especially coming from me. But maybe you should just go with it. If you really love him, and I know you do, then it will be alright. It will work itself out. Trust me. Just… go with it. Okay?"

"Okay." By this time Mer had stopped pacing, and her breathing was back to normal. She was calmed down, and nearly ready to face Derek. Well, she hoped so.

"Bye, Mer. See you soon. Burke says hi…and, well… goodluck."

"Bye Christina. Say hi to Burke for me."

And with that she hung up, slouching against the ugly beige wall. This would work. She could make this work. It would be alright… Wouldn't it?

--

"What did I do?" Derek asked as he paced the length of the family room, all of his sisters, his mother, and Addison were all there, trying to help him sort things out.

"Well," Addison remarked dryly, "I think it's pretty obvious that you asked her to marry you."

"God." He plopped down on a seat, leaning forward to put his head in his hands. "I can't believe I did that. Especially there and then. What was I thinking? She's Meredith, for God's sake."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sarah asked. Her brother's stress of his proposal genuinely concerned her. If it was this much trouble with the engagement, she was trying hard not to imagine the life they would have together.

"It has everything to do with everything. She's the one I want to marry, she's the one I love and will love until all eternity…BUT, she is a serial avoider. She avoids things. Like avoiding almost any tough decision. And like avoiding me."

Addison couldn't stifle a chuckle at this, and everyone in the room turned to look at her. "What?" She asked, nonchalantly. "It's true. I remember every time she saw her after I first arrived in Seattle, she was running away from you. I specifically remember one time when two of her friends, Stevens and Yang, took her by the arms and rushed her away."

Derek shook his head in disgust at himself. "How can I fix this?"

"Derek," Maegan scolded, "What about all these conversations we've had about you two since day one?"

"What about them?" Derek question, doing his famous confused head tilt.

"If you tell her half as much as you told me, she won't be able to say no… and… explain the ring. That will mean more than anything, I can tell you."

--

Meredith had been standing in the foyer for the last ten minutes, listening to all of the conversation going on in the next room. She had been doing a lot of eavesdropping lately. But, it didn't really matter. Because maybe this would help her decide what to do.

After standing there for quite a while, she decided maybe she could try and sneak past the door to the foyer and up the stairs. She walked quietly, and she was almost passed the doorway when Derek turned and caught her eye. They stared at each other, neither letting go, and soon everyone else in the room was looking at Meredith, too.

Derek hastily stood up and walked towards her. His actions were careful, measured, almost as if he didn't want to scare her away. And, once he stood before her, he knelt, getting right to the point. She tried to look away, but Derek grabbed her hand, taking it in his. She was forced to look down at him, and once their eyes met this time, she couldn't look away.

"Meredith," he began, "I'm very, very, extremely sorry I did that to you. There's no excuse for it. I was just too anxious to ask. But now, now I'm going to make it up to you. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life making up to you for it."

Derek took his free hand, his right hand, and pulled a small black velvet box from his pants pocket. And, carefully relinquishing his left hand from her grasp, he opened it, revealing the most beautiful ring she had ever seen in her entire life.

--

"Meredith," Derek continued, "I love you so much my heart hurts. When you're in the next room, I miss you, and I can't imagine ever being truly parted from you ever again. I know I may be the most brainless brain-surgeon there is, but I'm certainly not heartless, and my heart lives for you." He stops a moment, pausing, only to smile widely his McDreamy smile that further entrances her.

"This ring," he sighed lightly, happily. "This ring was my Grandmother's engagement ring. She was married sixty years to my Grandfather before he died. A whole lifetime together. And I want that lifetime with you. That's why I give you this ring, this special ring, in the hopes that we will have that lifetime together… Please, Meredith, take this ring, and we can begin that lifetime, that forever. Please, Meredith…Marry me."

All of the women in the room are stunned by his proposal. They didn't know if it was the occasion, or the woman, but Derek sure did have a way with words that night. None of them could imagine a more perfect way to propose, or a more perfect man to do it. They stood there, holding their breath, waiting for Meredith's reaction. A few were sure she'd say yes. The ones who knew her better didn't know if it would work, but they hoped it would. But almost all of the women in the room had the same look of delight and excitement on their faces.

All of the women except Meredith.

Meredith's eyes searched Derek's, they searched his face, his form. Searching for an answer. Meredith did love him, she really did. But Derek had just ended his other marriage not a month ago. And they'd just healed their rift less than a week ago. But, she recalled, they had been in love almost longer than either of them could remember.

She was Dark and Twisty Meredith, the one who avoided, and only made dates with Joe the Bartender and tequila. Was she ready for this. Not even any of her friends could commit. George and Callie were having issues, and Burke and Christina were far from their happily ever after. Izzie's fiancé had recently died, and Alex didn't too ready for a relationship, with friends or a girlfriend. If they couldn't do it, then who was saying she could?

There were so many reasons why she shouldn't do this. She was an intern, he was her boss' boss. He had already left her twice. He was just barely out of his last relationship, which had ended badly in infidelity. Could she be faithful after a life of one-night-stands? Could he? Could they deal with the stresses they gave each other? Could they cure them? There were so many reason, you could just pick any of them to explain why she shouldn't say yes.

But there was only one reason why she should. And he was right in front of her.

Meredith sighed and let go of Derek's hand, talking as she walked past the Shepard women into the living room. "1. I don't like anything too fancy. 2. I am living in Seattle, as far as I can tell, at least until I retire or get a better job offer. C. No pet names. 4. No kids for a very, very long time. 5. My house is my house, you cannot touch it, Izzie and George still get to live there…"

Derek closely followed by the Shepard women trailed her into the living room, Derek coming to sit next to her on the couch. What was going on? She didn't give an answer. Not a 'yes' or a 'no' and not even a 'let me think.' No answer. Just, what sounded like a list of rules for a marriage…

"6. I like dogs, but bad idea. 7. You get to tell the Chief. 8. Oh, this definitely should have been first! No special treatment! Do not request me! 9. Do not get jealous, do not punch people in the face. 10. Living in MY house, not the trailer…"

"Wait!" Derek interrupted. He knew Meredith could ramble on about things forever and ever, especially if she was nervous. Or avoiding. But this didn't sound like avoiding. This sounded like a Meredith way of saying… "Mer, what is this?"

"What do you think it is?" She asked, smiling a little, her eyes twinkling at him.

"Meredith, is this a yes?" Addison asked bewilder. She'd never thought…

"Yes," She whispered, smiling wildly. Derek quietly slipped the ring on her left hand, giving it a gentle kiss, his smile enveloping his entire face.

"I can't hear you!!" Maegan screamed in excitement, miming holding a hand over her ear.

"YES!!" Meredith screamed at the top of her lungs, and boy, it felt good to say it. No – BELT IT.

Derek stood up immediately, his face a mixture of so many things, but most of all, happiness so strong it was nearly bliss. He picked her up with him, holding her with both hands by the waist, spinning her around with her feet dangling above the ground. She giggled, the melodious giggle that drove him mad, and he kissed her, long and hard. Passionate. One that made both their hearts beat faster, and their breath catch in their throat.

And this kiss was different. Because it meant forever.

**Like it? Hate it? Let me know! Please Review**


	8. Gambling

**Updated! Just an FYI, this story is drawing to a close. as i re-read this story as i posted on this site, i realized how much i liked it. so if i get a lot of feedback i may be persuaded to do a sequel or continue this fic when i didn't on the other site. so, please review!**

**disclaimer: i do not own greys, because if i did i wouldn't have to wait for thursday for the new episode (yay!) and rose would not be in existance. i also don't own 'forgiven' by deb talan which is the song in italics in the first part below.**

**enjoy!**

--

"Meredith," Derek whispered, but he didn't get an answer. When he turned around, he found her side of the bed empty. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, when he heard a sink turn on downstairs. He immediately got out of bed, yawning, and went downstairs to the kitchen.

_You worry on  
hurting anybody anymore  
You worry on  
small comfort  
One of us seems not to tremble  
You make a rift inside me  
every day  
Then you choose to stay  
I walk the edge and  
push it wider_

There at the kitchen table, Derek could see Meredith's blonde hair, watching as the ring on her finger glinted in the early morning sunlight. She sipped the glass of water in front of her, absolutely oblivious to his presence. With the sun coming in from the window and shining against her figure, her hair seemed lighter, like strands of pure gold. Even more than that, with the golden tint to her skin, she looked like an angel, radiating beauty.

Derek came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head. She didn't say anything, but offered a tired smile, taking another sip of her water. Derek went around the table and sat across from her, smiling his McDreamy smile. But once again, all she could give was a feeble smile that seemed forced and automatic.

_You are forgiven  
I open all my doors  
You are forgiven  
What a heart is for  
I am no martyr  
You give me reason  
I try harder  
and I wait  
for a warmer season  
Meanwhile,  
You are  
forgiven_

"Hey, are you alright?" he asked, reaching for the hand that wasn't grasping the water glass, but resting, slightly curled, on the tabletop.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She lied. "Fine."

"Mer, you've said that word so many times, it's not a real word anymore. I perfectly well know you're not fine. What's the matter?"

"Nothing." After a stern look from Derek she sighed and looked at her nearly empty glass. "It's only… All it is…I'm nervous," she finally blurted it out after two failed attempts.

_Nervous about more than you know,_ she added in her head.

_I hear a soft noise like a sigh,  
A singing  
like a lullaby  
It is my heart  
It is this wind  
that blows through,  
Where you held me closer,  
Where we whisper  
This is  
this is true_

"Mer…" he crooned softly, now taking both of her tiny, ineffectual hands in his big, strong ones. "Don't worry. It's natural to be nervous. But as long as we love each other and we both know it, it's going to work out."

She didn't look too convinced, still quiet and obviously bothered.

_You are forgiven  
I open all my doors  
You are forgiven  
What a heart is for  
I am no martyr  
You give me reason  
I try harder  
And I wait  
for a warmer season  
Meanwhile,  
You are  
forgiven_

"I have an idea," Derek proposed, making Meredith look up. "How about you stay here for a little while, with me? You can get used to everyone, introduced to the whole Shepard clan. Then later on, it will be easy for everyone."

_Later on. As in at the wedding. _The thought came unbidden, and only proceeded to make her feel worse.

"Trust me. It will be alright. I promise."

_And it's time  
to go  
I cannot stay  
You cannot know  
My love  
So dear  
Will it be faith  
or fear?_

Meredith nodded and Derek kissed her lightly, grabbing a set of car keys form the kitchen drawer. "I'm going to grab some groceries, so that way I can make breakfast when everyone else gets up. Do you want anything?" When she shook her head, still quiet and distant, he walked over to her, rubbing her back with a comforting hand. "It'll all be okay. I know it will."

_You are forgiven  
open all my doors  
You are forgiven  
What a heart is for  
I am no martyr  
You give me reason  
I try harder  
And I wait  
for a warmer season  
Meanwhile,  
You are  
forgiven_

And with that he left, Meredith still sitting alone at the small wooden table. She dropped her head into her hands, unsure of what to do. Derek said he knew it was going to be okay. He knew. But how could he possibly know? There were some pretty important things about Meredith that he didn't know.

_You are  
Forgiven_

--

Meredith tried to contain herself, but she found it nearly impossible. The tears poured down her cheeks, and she felt like she could hardly breathe. With each sob, her cries became louder, and she was afraid she should wake the whole house. She tried to stop the tears and the wails, but found it impossible to quiet herself. It was liker she had no control over what her body was doing.

She had been pacing the floor as soon as Derek left, trying to keep her cool. How could this be fixed? Could it be fixed? WHAT was she going to do? Who to tell? When? And, suddenly over come, she collapsed against the kitchen wall into a heap of sobs. Surely this couldn't be helping. But, no matter how rational that thought was, it didn't quiet the tears that streaked neat paths down her face. What would she do if Derek came home and she was still here like this? With this thought her sobs became more uncontrollable and hurried, and she felt like she couldn't catch her breath.

"Mer, are you okay?" Her body tensed when the kitchen door swung open, but she relaxed when she saw that it was Maegan. Even though she had become closer to Addison and it being Derek would have made her tell the truth, she was glad it was Maegan. She was closest in age with Meredith, and, for some reason, she seemed to understand Mer since the moment they had met.

Her sobs were too heavy and outrageous for her to answer, and soon Meredith found herself comforted by Maegan's gentle embrace. She brushed her hair out of her face, and tried to calm her down, softly, quietly. Mer was briefly reminded of a time not that long ago where Derek had been comforting her in much the same way. It was right after her mother had been admitted, and Derek had followed her into storage closet. Though it seemed odd, seeing as where her distress came from, this memory calmed her. And, soon enough, she was composed enough to speak.

"I can't," she mumbled to Maegan, looking down at the ceramic tiling of the kitchen floor.

"Can't what, Meredith?" She didn't answer. "What's wrong? What can't you do?" Maegan's brow furrowed in confusion as she tried to decipher the emotions of her new friend. What could possible make her this upset that she was reduced to tears on the kitchen floor, just the day after her engagement?

Without a word, Meredith reached into her pocket and pullet something out, curling her fingers around it. Slowly, hesitantly, she handed it over to Maegan, who received the parcel in her open hand. It took her a moment to realize what it was, but soon she looked up at her friend in astonishment. She watched as Meredith wiped a few stray tears out of her eyes. "Oh, Mer…"

"I just… I can't." This time Maegan understood what she meant, and she frowned, trying to think of a way this would work out. But from Meredith's point of view, it was one hopeless business with no resolution.

--

The interns back in Seattle where surprised to get a call from Mer this early in the morning, because she probably wouldn't be breaking for lunch for the next couple of hours, if she did at all. She was supposed to be at the conference all day long. But Christina had filled them all in on what had happened before, so they all figured there was just a change in plans. Within five minutes, Christina had managed to gather the rest of the group at their regular table in the courtyard, but they had barely managed to decipher anything Meredith said through the sobs.

"Meredith calm down. Whatever it is you're doing, stop and don't do it." George yelled from the background.

"Christina?" Meredith wiped her eyes. "Have you had me on speaker phone this whole time?"

"What can I say, Mer? We all miss you…They MADE me."

"No, we didn't. You wanted us to hear, too!" Izzie's outraged cry was closer than Mer expected. "You didn't want to have to retell us everything! It was your idea."

"Thanks, guys." Mer sniffled. "You're really helping."

"Now back to the point, Mer." Alex had somehow managed to steal the phone. "Just cool down a little. Don't make decisions when you're distressed."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, right. Don't 'I'm fine' me. We are both part of the crappy childhoods, dark and twisty club, here. You say fine so much it's not a real word any more. Besides, you're NOT fine. You're just MEREDITH-fine."

"What's wrong?" Izzie cooed.

"Yeah, we can help, Mer." George piped in.

"Shut up, will you!" Christina yelled, effectively putting a silence to the chatter in the background. "Now Mer, pull it together. We have to know what is going on here!!"

"I already told you." Her voice was quiet, reluctant.

"No, you haven't." Alex protested. "The only thing you've said is you're coming home, even though you were supposed to stay. And that doesn't make any sense. You were supposed to leave tomorrow night, it's not that much different. We're missing something. And you're not getting off this phone until you tell us what it is."

"Sorry, but you'll have to wait. They're checking boarding passes for my flight. I've got to go."

And, sooner than they expected, the line went dead. Christina rounded on the other interns. "See? I told you to keep quiet. She would have told me if you hadn't butted in. I'm her person. This is what we do. We don't molly-coddle. We are there, without all the emotional crap."

"Hey, don't look at me!" Alex held up his hands in surrender. "I was on your side there. I only spoke up because tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee decided to mess everything up."

"I did not mess anything up. I know perfectly well what I was doing. She just needs a little mothering and a caring ear to listen to her!" Izzie looked at all of them waiting for a contradiction.

Alex just looked around, non-committal. Christina actually let out a slight chuckle. "Oh, come on! I'm not THAT bad at this dark-and-twisty thing!"

George saved her from another silence. "She just needs someone that always there. I'm always there for her. Reliable George. I was just letting her know I'm here. WE'RE here."

"Come off it, all of you." Bailey snaps at them from the next table over in the cafeteria, eating some sort of sandwich or another, where she had been eavesdropping on the better part of the conversation. "The only one who's going to get anything out of that poor girl is Dr. Shepard, and I bet you he's the one who started this mess. Sitting here debating isn't going to do squat. And why aren't you with your patients? Aren't you supposed to be saving lives, here?"

They all stared at her, half shocked, half defiant.

"I said go!"

They all scattered in different directions, Christina putting her cell phone back in her lab-coat pocket. "Fools." Dr. Bailey muttered as they all took off. She looked at her sandwich, but then put it back down on her tray. She was just as curious as the interns were. Picking her own phone out of her pocket, she dialed a number she had never needed to call before.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end answered. In the background Dr. Bailey thought she heard someone say, 'Special on isle three.'

"Dr. Shepard, it's Dr. Bailey."

"Dr, Bailey, I am on indefinite leave from the hospital. The chief is fully aware, I'm sure, you can ask -"

"That's not why I'm calling. I just think you should keep better tabs on where that girl of yours is."

"I don't know who you –"

"Yes, you do. I suggest you find out what she's doing, SIR, before you lose her. AGAIN."

She hung up the phone, satisfied, and continued her lunch. She had alerted him to the web of confusion that was spinning itself right under his nose. It was his job to find the source and untangle it from there.

--

Derek was thoroughly confused by this phone call with Dr. Bailey. She had no idea what was going on in New York, all the way across the country. For heavens' sake, they were engaged! And he himself was now the happiest man in the world.

With that thought, he finished up in the grocery store and loaded his car, a bright smile on his face. He didn't hurry home, but went straight there. He parked in the driveway and got out, and only then did he notice that the doorway was wide open. He locked his sister's car quickly, leaving the groceries abandoned in the trunk. Derek raced up the steps to see Maegan pacing in the kitchen, looking fairly distressed.

"Where is she?" he asked without hesitation. Maegan just gave him a helpless look, not bothering to answer. Derek's eyes grew wide, and he ran a hand through his unruly raven curls. He couldn't believe this. Not even twelve hours ago everything was perfect. They were engaged, supposed to get married. After so long apart, they were finally together. And he wouldn't lose that. He wouldn't let himself lose that.

Derek left Maegan behind, bounding up the stairs two or three at a time, before rushing to Meredith's room and bursting the door open with a force that almost broke it. The bed was made, neat and tidy, the way he had left it before he went downstairs that morning. The lamp was turned off on the bedside table, the armoire had some of Derek's clothes folded fresh from the laundry and ready to be put away. And there was Derek's briefcase right inside the door, the front zipper stuck open like it always had been. Everything was in perfect order, the way it had been left. Nothing was missing, not even a tassel on the ridiculously beige drapes. Nothing except for the most important thing.

Meredith was no where to be found.

Derek rushed to the other side of the bed, where Meredith had set her suitcase the day she arrived. It wasn't there. He lifted up the pillows, intent on seeing her nightgown wadded rather than folded, much in Meredith's signature style, under the covers. Once again he was disappointed. In a frenzy he sprinted to the connected bathroom, where her lavender toothbrush had been next to his beside the sink. Gone.

Derek's heart sped up, his breathing grew intense as he raced out of the bathroom and down the hallway. He could feel the sweat on his brow and the back of his neck, struggling but failing to cool him down as he panicked. He threw open the door to the den. Empty. He flung open every bedroom door on the upper level, not bothering to knock to see if any of his sisters had stayed the night or were still sleeping. No such luck. His mind raced and he could feel his pulse throb through his chest as he thudded down the stairs, almost catapulting down to the foyer. He nearly tripped on the landing, but steadied himself with the end table as he rounded the corner to the living room. Bare. Kitchen. Abandoned. Parlor and Dining Room. Deserted.

She was gone, no where to be found. He had let her, the love of his life, get away. After so long of being separated she was missing once more. He had lost her. Once to Addison and choosing wrong. The second time to his own stupidity and not saying goodbye. And now, he could offer no better explanation for it than she was hurt, insecure, and he had left. Only for a minute, he had left. When she needed him most, he wasn't there. Just like with his father. A reoccurring theme, one he was now unlikely to escape. He had been lucky the first few times. He had been able to find her, so close and accessible. And then Addison had brought her to him. But now, he had no idea where she was, where she would be. He might not ever know. Might not ever see her again.

As he traipsed in the foyer with his head hung low and his heart missing, he collapsed onto his knees. He caught himself with the palms of his hands, before putting his face in between his arms. Sobs wracked his body uncontrollably, much like they had with Meredith not too far away, not so long ago. Derek never cried. When Addison cheated, when Mark broke their friendship, when his dad was diagnosed. He didn't cry. When he chose Addison, when Kathleen got into that car wreck after college, he didn't cry. He was strong, never wanting to break that indestructible exterior he had built. He had cried after finally losing his father after over thirty years of knowing him and almost twenty of knowing he'd lose him. He'd know Meredith for less than one year. One year, and she'd reduced him to tears in the entranceway of his home, where the women of his family stood watching, having joined Maegan shortly after Derek's arrival. She'd broken him, much like he'd broken her countless times before.

But he wouldn't lose her. He couldn't. And right then and there, Derek determined that where ever she was, whatever she planned to do, why she had ever left didn't matter. He would find her, fix her, love her, marry her. Even if it was the very last thing he did.

--

Meredith paced back and forth in front of the departure gate. All the while, instead of twirling her watch securely on her wrist, she twisted something of much more importance on her most significant finger. What was she doing? More importantly, what had she done? She'd left. That was much was obvious. Well, she was leaving. Currently.

But she'd kept the ring. His grandmother's ring. Was she going to marry him? Meredith thought of being bound to Derek for life, and immediately slumped into the nearest chair. She brought shaking hands to her head, trying to stop the thoughts there. Her breath faltered and heart paused, trying to hide the pain as she fought her tears. Her heartache itself told her she loved him. She did. And even if she boarded plane after plane and never saw Derek Shepard again, she would always love him. Her heart was his. Then why was this so hard?

Meredith brushed away her tears and took a steadying breath before standing back up and resuming to pace. She had a real problem on her hands. There was a ring on her finger and an even bigger issue that Derek didn't know about. She couldn't get married. She didn't know how to have a relationship, let alone keep one until death. Derek had been a one night stand, a fling, someone that stole her heart, the lover she couldn't have, and now… A husband? It wasn't like her parents had set an example for her to follow. Meredith and Derek were both doctors like Ellis with many of the same aspirations. Who said they could make it work when she couldn't? And since it was both of them being doctors instead of just one, shouldn't there be even smaller chances of them lasting?

Derek had a big family, with countless nieces and nephews she still hadn't met. Derek loved kids, and Meredith knew he wanted a big family of his own no matter what he told her. Could she handle that? Would she ever be able to handle that? She'd never had strong parents, and Derek being a good dad wouldn't be enough. How was Meredith supposed to be a good mother when she didn't know what a good mother was? How could she do this? And so soon?

Meredith's mind gave her no respite. All she did was convince herself even more that she couldn't do this. All logic told her she wasn't capable, and upon further thought, that she wasn't worthy. Why should Derek, McDreamy, A knight-in-shining-whatever be with her? She was dark and twisty. Someone so absolutely perfect shouldn't be with someone so… not. Meredith nodded her head affirmatively. If she looked at all of the facts objectively, this made sense. Besides, she was an avoider of issues. It's what she did best.

--

The intern gang sat in the basement of the hospital, their infamous hiding place for when they were supposed to be doing what interns do. Alex sat against the wall, making sarcastic remarks while Izzie tried to steal George's vending-machine snack. They all looked up, suddenly anxious and anticipating, when they heard approaching footsteps. They all relaxed when they realized it was Christina and not Bailey.

"Let's take bets." Christina announced as she plopped unceremoniously on to the nearest stretcher.

"For what?" George mumbled through a mouthful of chips, his arm extending so Izzie couldn't reach the bag.

"Cover your mouth Bambi." Christina barked. "And for money, you idiot. Unless we want to announce open bar at Joe's, courtesy of the losers?"

"I'm in!" Alex jumped into the conversation, both figuratively and literally, almost knocking Izzie onto the floor.

"Wait." Izzie chirped, ruining the excitement for both Christina and Alex. "What are we betting on? You know, gambling is one of the most addicting things a person can get into, and should be handled with caution." During this monologue, her hand snuck over and she successfully swiped George's chips.

"Hey!"

"Come on, it's a little bet." Christina scoffed, ripping the bag out of Izzie's hands and eating them herself. "And gambling is not half as addicting as booze."

"Or drugs." George harrumphs. "Give me my chips back!"

"Or fighting." Alex pries the bag away from Christina and pours the contents directly into his mouth.

"Or sex." Christina wrestles the chips away from Alex only to peer inside and then wad the bag up and toss it into the trash can.

"Hey! You guys, those were mine!" George cries from the opposite end of the group, flopping back to lie down completely.

Alex just shrugs. "Go buy some more."

They remain in silence for about two seconds before Izzie relents, "Fine. What's the bet on?"

"Meredith." Christina says casually, pulling out her cell phone to look at the time.

"Meredith?" George moves to sit up, but then decides it requires too much effort. Izzie lays down with him, putting her hands behind her head.

"Meredith." Christina falls back to lay flat and Alex follows. All four stare up at the ceiling above them. "She's leaving New York to come back home. My guess, McDreamy problems. Sixty bucks says he'll follow her out here." The rest remain silent, none of them doubting what has been said.

"One-fifty says she doesn't even make it to the plane." The all turn to look at Alex, absolutely disbelieving that that came out of his mouth. "What?"

--

**Any one here want to take bets on what happens? Maybe there will be a reward for best guess... lol. Like it, hate it? Let me know!**


	9. You Know You're Better Than This

**Sorry i haven't updated in a few weeks guys, i just didn't know if i wanted to continue this any longer and didn't want to post the last chapter until i knew that info for you. congrats belairdesi and missre on your amazing guesses - but i'm not saying which parts are right or wrong. read and find out! i will probably write and epilogue for this, which will be the only part of this story i've actually written since i've begun posting. So... without further ado...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. If i did, then last week addi would have kicked der's bum and made him go back to mer. lol. Also, I do not own 'Headlock' by Imogen Heap, the song used at the end of the chapter!**

--

"Derek." Maegan says slowly.

"Not now, Maegan." Derek barks, his cell phone pressed against his ear. "I'm calling the hospital. I need to know if Addison has seen Meredith."

"Derek-"

"Maegan, I said –"

"I know something!" It comes out fast; Maegan thinks it might be easier that way. Kind of like ripping off a band-aid. She was rather reluctant to admit it, but it needed to be said.

Derek turned toward his youngest sister, his eyes wide. His hand fell away from his face, the cell-phone still open and on. A 'hello' and then a 'people today, so rude' could be heard before the line went dead. Derek looked like a statue, his expression unreadable. As Maegan waited for the onslaught, she turned to look at her mother and sisters who sat comfortably in the couches in the living room. Kathleen looked intrigued, Sarah bored, and Nancy seemed to be enjoying the show. Their mother, Elaine, looked on with concern.

"Derek, are you alright?" Their mother asked, standing to put a hand on her son's shoulder. This was a difficult feat considering he was a whole head and shoulders taller than her.

Derek turned away from Maegan and towards his mother, his face still expressionless but his eyes blazing. "Am I alright?" His voice is steady, but nearly seething with anger. "No, I am not. You all think I'm joking, that this is something I can get over. That this is a rebound, a fling…I don't even know what you think. But it's not what I'm thinking."

Derek's voice softens as he begins to pace between the living room and entryway, seemingly lost in his thoughts. "Sometimes I think crazy things. I get carried away, but… how I feel… it's just as crazy." He chuckles lightly, his eyes lighting up, clearing away the anger. "My stomach twists when she's in the room. My mind goes blank when I can smell her… smell lavender, from her conditioner. She told me once, you know."

He glances up at his family, who are all watching him intently. No one has a smart remark or even a smirking face. All look up at him earnestly, begging him with their expressions to continue. "And when she laughs, it's a cute little giggle. She wrinkles her nose, and squints her eyes. When she smiles, I feel like my heart stops. After four years of pre-med and four more of med school you'd think I'd realize that can't happen. And when I think of us together, my world stops. Most of the time I don't like to think about the future. It's all about now. But with Meredith… I can see her being there with me… forever."

He glances up at his family, feeling apprehensive to finish his thoughts, but he can't seem to stop the words from coming out. He runs a hand through his raven curls before absently massaging the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. He stops mid-pace and looks right at Maegan who, caught up in the middle of his monologue, has paused where the conversation began, in the doorway of the living room. This is the big finish, they can all feel it. And even though when Derek has something to say he always delivers it with a flourish, they have no idea what's coming next. The one thing they know for certain is that he has never been like this before.

"It's not all good though." His voice lowers a little, both in volume and octave. "Like when she's angry, and looks at me like that…" He shakes his head. "I can't help but feel angry right back. It's just a madness I can't get rid of. When she's not with me, I get sick thinking of her with someone else. The way she looks at me, her eyes just so full of… everything. Of life, of love, of hurt, loss, passion, want. It makes me unable to breathe." Derek's breath becomes unsteady, seeming panicked. His hands wander around, making motions as he talks, like he has to find something to do or else he'll go crazy. He's restless, and fidgets with a stray lock of hair at the nape of his neck to still the shaking of his hands.

His voice now is pained, almost pleading for someone to stop him before he lets out too much. "And when she's going to cry, or she already is. When she has that look on her face." He chuckles with no humor; it is almost sadistic it's so bitter. "Like she wants her world to end… it makes me want to end mine… I'm so helpless, there's nothing I can do, no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try, she's so hurt, so broken. And part of that's my fault. I broke her. I left her. And now, there's nothing I can do."

Derek stops, suddenly, his face pale and shocked. It's like someone has just slapped him out of this fantasy world he's been living in where there's always a happy ending. His eyes slowly lose all emotion; they are dead, void of all life, as he slowly backs up against the wall. Finally he slides down its length, his knees bending as his head falls into his hands. His voice is a whisper as he chokes out, "There's nothing I can do."

Maegan looks at Derek, and then the rest of the family. They are all entranced in this production that has been going on. Derek was always the strongest; he grew up in a household of girls, so he had to be. He mainly kept his emotions to himself, although when he was happy he made sure everyone else was, as well. He always seemed in control of his life. That's why he hated his father's diagnosis so much, because there was nothing he could do to help him for certain. That's even why he went into medicine: control. He married Addison because he chose it. It seemed that the world was in his grasp. Now though, everything was spinning out of control. Nothing has ever had Derek so… struck. They could tell themselves it was the death of their father. Sure it didn't help, but… Maegan knew it had to do with someone who had captured their brother's heart.

"There is." At first her voice was weak, and she was sure no one could hear it. The second time it came out stronger. "There is something you can do. You can go after your girl."

Derek looks up at her, confused. Soon he shakes his head in defeat, having gave up. "I have no idea what's the matter. If I felt helpless before, it's nothing to how I feel now. I don't know what happened, what she's going to do. I don't know anything."

"But I do." All eyes are drawn to Maegan as she slowly reaches into her pocket and hands the item to Derek. At first he is unresponsive, studying it with precision and care. After a moment, he looks up at his sister, questioning. She nods her head, slowly, sadly. With an air of power and strength surrounding him, he stands, confident.

He wouldn't lose her. He couldn't. And right then and there, Derek was determined. He knew where she was, what she planned to do, and why she had left. And this made all the difference. He would find her, fix her, love her, marry her. Even if it was the very last thing he did.

--

Meredith sits patiently on the plane, waiting for it to take off. She is in no hurry to leave, no hurry to get home. It's like everything is occurring, just happening to her instead of her making them happen. She's letting fate take over, without her deciding one more thing. What happens, happens. That's what she does, she avoids. And once she's made the decision to avoid, she just avoids more decisions. She runs. That's the easiest choice. Everything else is left to divine intervention.

She feels almost lifeless, sitting there alone. She's lost everything she's ever worked for. For happiness. For a family. For…She couldn't even say his name in her thoughts, it hurt so badly. All she could feel was the pain she herself has caused. If she did these things to herself, what would she do if she had power over another life? Her eyes stung, but the tears stubbornly stayed in place. She'd done enough crying lately to last her for a while. Now all that was left was to reacquaint herself with Jose Cuervo… Except, she sighed, she couldn't be doing that anymore. Drinking herself into a stupor and sleeping with inappropriate men… there were so many things wrong with that scenario.

She was alone, rambling inside her own head, knowing she'd lost the battle and the war. She couldn't do this. No matter how much she wanted to be strong, she couldn't summon the power to risk getting hurt one more time.

Even if that meant giving up the best thing that she'd ever had.

Her stomach clenched and her face tightened, trying not to show the obvious pain she felt. She was giving up. Giving up hope of every dream of happiness. Giving up the only future she could ever picture. Giving up what she wanted most. Giving up…Derek.

It was better this way, she convinced herself. No one would get hurt except herself, in the long run. She couldn't do it anyway. She couldn't be the loving wife and mother she would be expected to be. And she certainly couldn't bare to let Derek down.

Right then and there, Meredith knew she had found the source. Letting people down. That's where all of this came from. All of the issues, insecurities, avoiding. She was afraid of letting people down. She'd done it with her father, that's why he left. That's why her mother didn't love her like she should. That's why she didn't want to get into this with Derek. She couldn't be in a family. Because all she'd do was let them down.

--

_"Meredith?" Ellis called out suddenly, quietly._

_Meredith had gone to visit her mother, like she always did weekly. Sometimes it was more out of habit than necessity, with her once lucid mother deteriorating more rapidly. It was more common than not for Ellis to not know who her daughter was, and sometimes she showed no recognition of anyone being there at all. This week Meredith had gone in low spirits. Derek had picked Addison. She's asked him to pick her, choose her, love her. He chose Addison._

_Meredith glanced up quickly, not quite believing she'd heard correctly, or that her mother had spoken at all. Her mother hadn't been lucid in months, so long ago that she could hardly remember it herself. "Mom?"_

_"Meredith." Ellis' eyes lit up, her face softening just a little, not quite happy. Her daughter felt her throat constrict and her chest tighten at the one word. She'd had a crappy childhood, and that was a bit of an understatement. And now her mother was…being erased right before her eyes. She'd waited for some sign of approval from her mother all her life. Now might be the last chance she'd get to receive it._

_"What are you doing with your life?" Her mother's voice was sterner than she'd expected. This was the first time she'd really spoken to her in a while, and certainly she hadn't expected those to be the first words out of her mother's mouth._

_"I'm becoming a surgeon." She answered as determinedly as she could, but she could detect the nervousness in her own voice._

_"You're becoming a surgeon. That's rich. Do you know how many surgeons there are, Meredith? Are you just becoming one more? Is that what you're doing with your life?" The tone was clipped, unexpected, and made her gut clench. The words sliced her like a knife, cutting as deep as the ten-blade she'd just left behind._

_Meredith sat thoroughly confused for a moment before replying. Her voice was soft and gentle, a little afraid and a little unsure. "Mom… You have Alzheimer's. You know better than anyone that this won't last…this clarity. If there's something you've got to say…" she gulped, averting her eyes, "This could be all you've got to say it."_

_"Look at me." Ellis' tone was no more appreciative or condoling than it had been before. Meredith obeyed. "This is what I've got to say. And I've only got now to say it. Anyone can be a surgeon. But not everyone has their path paved ahead of them, like you do. Your mother invented the Grey Method. You have so many more opportunities than everyone else. So you'd better use them."_

_Ellis' eyes were deadly serious, her face cold and unforgiving as she uttered the things her daughter least wanted to hear. "You've let me down. You've been…average." She spit the word out with disgust. "You have never been what I'd dreamed you could be. Never. And now I wake up from this horrible disease to find out…my daughter has failed me. You've failed me Meredith."_

_There were tears now in Meredith's eyes, and she hastily wiped them away. She'd be damned if she let her mother see her cry. Ellis' narrative, however, was long from over. "I have Alzheimer's. My shot is over. Fortunately, yours has just begun. You can live up to this, to Ellis Grey. Or you can fail me. You can let me down, like you've always done."_

_Finally she went silent and Meredith looked away, no longer able to suppress her tears. Silently they rolled down her face, labeling her forever as weak. She imaged them, ever so visible to her mother, being one more reason Ellis didn't love her. Her mother had one more opportunity to set things straight in her life, and she had used that one shot to tell her daughter she had failed her. Her breathing faltered as she struggled to collect herself before the one person she's never satisfied._

_Finally she looked up, gathering the courage she needed to face her mother. "Was I that much of a burden to you? Such a disappointment? Did I fall that short of everything you wanted?" Her voice begged, pleaded with her mother, the hurt raw and clear in her voice._

_Ellis turned to look at her, her eyes squinting in suspicion. "Do I know you?"_

--

Meredith recalled the memory as a jagged breath was torn from her chest. She'd let everyone down in her life, never being enough. Her mother was famous, the Great Ellis Grey. And here she was, her daughter, with nothing to show. Worse than that, she'd just kept letting everyone down. Because she would never be her mother.

With a jolt Meredith sat up straighter, her breathing intensified, her heart racing. This was it. This was the moment in her life she'd been waiting for. Right now, she had just realized the most important thing she'd ever come across. And she'd never forget it. She wasn't her mother.

Meredith smiled, laughed out loud, causing a few of the passengers near her to turn her way and stare curiously. She'd never be her mother. She wouldn't abandon anyone. She wouldn't have an affair instead of following her heart. And her heart right now was with Derek. God, Derek. She wasn't her mother, so she wouldn't leave him. She wouldn't break his heart like Ellis had broken Thatcher's. She wouldn't spite her children. And she wouldn't raise them to be anything other than what they wanted to be. She knew _they_ would never fail _her_ either, no matter how hard they might try to.

She wasn't her mother. Who said she'd let everyone down? She just might make them proud. She certainly wasn't avoiding anymore.

Meredith stood up with an unfamiliar determination and certainty. She wasn't avoiding anymore. Even if it was what she did best. She grabbed her handbag from the seat beside her, and she walked off that plane without a backward glance.

--

_Distant flickering, greener scenery.  
This weather's bringing it all back again.  
Great adventures, faces and condensation.  
I'm going outside to take it all in._

Meredith's gut clenched as the butterflies in her stomach intensified. One moment of bravado and now… now she had no idea what she was doing. This was uncharted territory for her. She was actually doing something. Deciding something. And she might be letting someone down. She might have been making the biggest mistake of her life, getting off of that plane. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought. Either that or it was the best decision she'd ever made. There was a fine line, really, between the two.

_You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock,  
I don't believe any of it.  
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,  
You know you're better than this._

She wasn't her mother. So what? That still didn't mean she was capable of succeeding in this life with Derek. She could fail utterly and completely, in ways her mother never did or never thought of. The blood drained from her face as she paled, now completely unsure. Was this right? Was this wrong? There was only one way to find out.

_We're a different pair, do something out of step.  
Throw a stranger an unexpected smile...with big intention.  
Still posted at your station.  
Always on about the day it should have flied._

This was new. Completely and utterly different. She was trying this, trying to live her life the way she wanted. This was only the first step. She was going to do what she could, do her best. And hope that she hadn't let Derek down like she'd done with everyone else. She could have taken off on that airplane, but she would have wondered for the rest of her life what would have happened if she hadn't. Hope. All she could do now was hope.

_You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock,  
I don't believe any of it.  
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,  
You know you're better than this._

Derek sat at the kitchen table, his sisters doing their best to look like they weren't eavesdropping. It was pointless to go hide upstairs. This way he just wouldn't have to retell everything and waste precious time. Elaine made what must have been the fifth pot of coffee that morning, placing a fresh cup before Derek, which he ignored. Her stomach dropped as she looked at him. When he arrived he'd been awful, looking unkempt and unhappy. When Meredith had been there, he'd been so full of life, so vibrant. Now he was just back to the way he had been.

_Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock,  
I don't believe any of it.  
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,  
You know you're better than this._

Derek sighed. "I know, sir, that this is an inconvenience. I promise though, that this is of the utmost importance." He paused. "Can you check one more time?"

The pauses between his side of the conversation made the rest of the family antsy. He had called the airport over twenty minutes ago and still wasn't off the phone. What could possibly be going on over there, no one could guess. All they could do was wait.

_Been walking, you've been hiding,  
And you look half dead half the time.  
Monitoring you, like machines do,  
You've still got it, I'm just keeping an eye_

"You've already checked twice…There is no Meredith Grey on the plane?" He sighed, running his free hand through his hair. Why was it so difficult to love someone? He couldn't give up though, because his heart never would.

"I know the plane has a schedule." His tone was clipped, impatient. "It has to take off now? And you're sure she's not there? Alright, thank you, sir. Goodbye."

"Well?" Maegan asked, slightly anxious. She couldn't sit still. She knew what had been going on, and hadn't stopped Meredith from leaving. She knew that if they didn't find her, it would be her own fault. She was afraid Derek would never forgive her. More likely, though, she would never forgive herself.

He looked up at his family, his eyes sad, his expression hopeless. "She's not on the plane. If she's not going to Seattle, then where is she?" He tried to feel better that she wasn't leaving to Seattle, but that only meant she was leaving to go somewhere else. Now, though, he had no idea where. His chest thudded as his heart pounded in sheer agony. This might be over. This was the best thing – she was the best thing – that had ever happened to him. And it was all over.

"Derek?" Kathleen brought him out of his trance as she stood peering out the window. She glanced quickly at him, sure she had his attention, before looking back. "There's a taxi outside."

_I've been walking, you've been hiding,  
And you look half dead half the time.  
Monitoring you, like machines do,  
You've still got it, I'm just keeping an eye  
So what, don't care, will not, the end_

Meredith stood outside, sure she was going to be sick. Who was she kidding? She was dark and twisty Meredith. People with messed up lives did not have happy-ever-afters. Why was she any different? The answer, though, was provided as soon as she asked it: Derek. He's what made her different. If she wasn't so absolutely terrified, she might have smiled just at the thought of him. He's what made her strong enough to do this… at least she hoped she was strong enough.

Slowly, deliberately, fearfully, she walked up the pavement to the door. Biggest mistake verses best decision. It was a fine line. Such a fine line that she didn't know where it was anymore. Was it too late to start over once you were broken? Once your heart wasn't yours anymore?

_You know you're better than this_

She took a shuddering breath, now almost sure she was walking to her doom. This could be it. This could all be over right now. She raised her head, trying to be determined, but she couldn't quite muster up the courage. Just breathe, she told herself. You are Meredith Grey, and you are going to do this. She put her hand, anxiously shaking, on the door knob, ready to turn it no matter what was on the other side. Right then it swung open from the inside.

_I'll make you start, got your heart in a headlock,  
I don't believe any of it.  
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,  
You know you're better than this._

Meredith and Derek stood there, she staring at him and he at her. Both were a little more than shocked, with pain, and also love, in their eyes. While Derek seemed hopeful and disbelieving, Meredith was fearful, sure the world would come tumbling down upon her. Her insides felt hollow as she struggled for something to hold on to, to root her there so she wouldn't just fall away. Her hand landed on Derek's, which still clenched the door knob tightly. Her eyes fell to their hands, before looking up to meet his gaze, which was stoic and unreadable.

Her insides clenched as she looked at him. He didn't say anything. His face didn't change. He didn't tilt his head or smile his McDreamy smile. He didn't even lean against the door in his signature relaxed posture. He especially didn't take her in his arms like she had hoped he would. There was a fine line between the biggest mistake and the best decision. Meredith now knew she had crossed that line.

Her heart plummeted, searing in her chest. The tears that had been so stubborn earlier began to pour freely down her face. Heavy breathing wracked her body as she tried not to sob. Her mother was right. She would let everyone down. She always had and always would. Because she wasn't good enough.

She let go of his hand, ready to take off her ring and hand it back, and then walk away. He didn't seem to love her any more. She'd let him down.

Suddenly, unexpected, his hand grabbed hers back, holding it tightly. Her posture was timid, her body almost folding in, her gaze focused down. His heart soared as she didn't try to pull away. She'd said yes to an eternity. And here she was, standing there in front of him, coming back. Waiting to fulfill her promise.

He took his free hand and lifted her chin so she had to look at him. His eyes were now puzzled, questioning. But his expression was warm. The comfort of his touch gave her confidence to look straight into his eyes. His hand gently cupped her face, his thumb, brushing away the lingering tears. Her sobs – because that was what they had turned into – quieted, as she relaxed in his hold. They both waited expectantly, not quite sure of what would come next.

_Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock,  
I don't believe any of it.  
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock…_

Their hearts beat with the same rhythm, the same love, the same loss. Both tried not to think of the disaster they had just barely escaped and that could await them at any moment. Meredith knew, in that moment, that she hadn't let him down. She'd came back. She'd done for him what she'd never done before. Derek knew this, too. And he also knew that for once, she'd done it on her own. She'd come to him of her own volition. She loved him. This at last was what brought them together.

He wrapped her in his arms, holding her tightly, never wanting to let go. She let her head get buried in his chest, loving the comfort she found there that she could never find anywhere else. She fit so perfectly into him, that no one could doubt she belonged right there. They belonged together. Meredith felt so safe there, like she could forget about everything. Derek felt such unadulterated joy that he could stay there forever and never care about what else he was missing. There was a finality to this embrace, like they would never part again.

Derek bent his head down, whispering into her ear, his hot breath sending shivers down her spine. "Why did you come back?" He nuzzled his head into her hair, the scent filling him with pleasure. If only she could always be this close, he would be happy forever.

She in turn raised her head off his chest and whispered back, her lips smiling. God, how could she ever doubt this? There was a fine line between the biggest mistake and the best decision. And somehow, she'd chosen the right way. This was bliss, being here with him. Somehow she knew it never would really end. Her voice was soft, but filled with happiness and laughter as she spoke. "You didn't really think I'd raise our baby on my own, did you?"

_You know you're better than this._

--

**Thanks so much for reading. Epilogue will be up soonish. Like it? Hate it? Let me know!**


	10. Epilogue Author's Note

Fidelity epilogue

By ilovemclife

**Hey everyone. So just to let you know, I really haven't been able to think of anything to write for this story. I feel like it's completely finished and done with, so adding anything else, to me, would be out of place. I did write a little bit that I like, and since I've left you all stranded and hoping for a few months now, I decided I'd post it. Thanks to everyone who has read, ever reviewed (_Liz86000, MissRe, rolly21, randomblueeyedblonde, belairdesi, frequently-dazzled, desecretperson, GoofyGal2008, JustLikeMeredith, and Nobalee)_, or marked me under favorites (_Liz86000, MERDER25, randomblueeyedblonde, and rolly21) _or added me to alerts (_Carolina Dias, Liz86000, MerDerLove4ever, MissRe, Nobalee, ange87, callied, girlgirlgirl, nett00, randomblueeyedblonde, rolly21, wasted-monkey, zwerg2007)._**

**Disclaimer: I have no ownership or connections to Grey's Anatomy, and I don't own the song "Just got Started Lovin' You" by James Otto.**

_You don't have to go now honey _

_Call and tell em you won't be in today _

_Baby there ain't nothin at the office so important it can't wait _

Meredith lay curled up in Derek's arms, completely content to lay there with him for the rest of the day. Or, for the rest of eternity. She smiled slightly, her eyes still closed, when she felt a gentle kiss applied to the top of her head. He was awake. Neither of them moved or said a word, loving the comfort of each other's embrace. Finally, she stirred, turning slightly to face him.

"Good morning," he whispered, smiling his McDreamy smile, dazzling her. He brushed his thumb along her cheekbone before kissing her softly.

"Morning," she responded only after he'd pulled away and rested his head on top of hers. She sighed contentedly, running a hand down the smooth muscles of his chest before wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him tighter.

He reacted by carefully extracting his arms from between them and placing his hands gently on her waist. He rubbed soothing circles on her hip bones for a few moments, then moved them to the small of her back, where he attempted to bring her in closer to himself. That effort, these days, was futile. The pair looked down at the cause of their distance before smiling, in both adoration and humor.

_I'm thankful for the weekend_

_But two days in heaven just ain't gonna do _

_This is gonna take forever darlin _

_Girl I just got started lovin you_

"Looks like we're not getting any closer than that. This _thing _is in our way." Derek indicated briefly to Meredith's now protruding stomach. She was seven and a half months along, and counting.

"This _thing, _may I remind you, is _your_ baby, mister. The product of your lack of self-restraint." Her expression undermined her words, as a teasing smile appeared fleetingly on her lips.

"Oh, I know all about my lack of self-restraint, I assure you." His smile was larger now, smirking, as his eyes danced. He brought his face a few inches closer to hers before continuing. "Whether _you_ do or not, is less certain."

"I'm not so sure what you're talking about. You might just have to show me." Derek passionately, but lovingly, brought his lips to hers as she erupted into a peal of giggles.

_What's the point in fightin what were feelin _

_We both know we'll never win _

_Ain't this what we're missin let's just stop all this resistin and give in _

_Let me wrap my arms around you _

_You know you don't want to leave this room _

_Come back and let me hold you darlin _

_Girl I just got started lovin you_

**I know it's not my best, but I felt bad marking the story 'complete' and leaving you guys hanging. Thanks again, and anyone if you have a sec, please let me know overall if/what you liked about my story and if you'd like to see something from me in the future. Also, have any ideas, let me know!**

Thanks - ilovemclife


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